Mummy, why?
1. How are Television Ratings calculated? They are in fact not calculated using channel recorders given to people specially chosen using complex demographic models. The information is compiled every week by two researchers from BARB, who sit in a small pub called the Logie & Baird in a village just outside Basingstoke every Sunday at two pm.
2. Do Goldfish really have a memory span of 5 seconds? This is a complete fallacy. Goldfish in fact are considered by police to be particularly reliable witnesses, much more so than parrots or even Siamese cats.
3. Do the extra 3 letters on certain cars (e.g. GTI, TDI) actually make the car go faster? Yes, they do. My mate Bazza Browning, who's got a Subaru Impretza GTI, ABS, FAB, knows about this stuff.
4. Why can't grandmothers be taught to suck eggs? This is because they are a proud group of women, many of whom have been sucking eggs since the Roaring Twenties.
5. Is it wrong to be indifferent about the taste of Marmite? No, not all. We all realise that in today's complex world there are no real rights or wrongs, only the relativist truths of a confused and agnostic nation. So there.
10th Jan 2002