Mystic Maurice
Aries If you're not careful you'll miss your bus. Come on, for fuck's sake.
Virgo This week you'll mostly be appearing on Big Break with Jim Davidson and wearing a selection of ill-advised waistcoats.
Scorpio An amusing incident involving a piece of string may or may not occur on Tuesday morning at about elevenses. Either way it's probably best to ignore it.
Sagittarius With the moon rising in Uranus it's going to be very difficult to do anything without adopting the foetal position.
Cancer Now is the time to give up smoking.
Capricorn Brown bear is in the hole, I repeat, brown bear is in the hole. The mailman is feeling unwell. Meet me in the van, everything's gone tits up.
Gemini I wouldn't wear those shoes dear, they make your ankles look fat.
Leo For God's sake don't go on any trans-Atlantic voyages on badly designed steam vessels. And cut your hair, you look like a girl.
Pisces You are in grave danger. Lock all your doors and windows and cover yourself in garlic butter. You may just make it.
Taurus After that debacle in the china shop last week it's probably best if you lie low for a while.
Libra Wipe that grin off your face young man, 50% of the population have got one of those too and I don't see them fiddling with it.
Aquarius You know that thing with the wossname? You know, the thing. Yeah? Well don't. Apparently he's allergic to badgers.
10th Jan 2002