Newsfight!
The British monarchy is the one of the most bizarre and archaic institutions in the western world, and the current incumbents are the most ridiculous of the lot. Starting with the older generation, the Queen mum, now with 16 hips, has been clinically diagnosed a robot, the Duke of Edinburgh has made so many gaffs that there is no longer any point making fun of him and if the Queen continues to button up those purple jackets any further we will no longer be able to see her face. As for the younger generation - they're just normal guys, aren't they? Regular cockneys whose parents just happen to have a bit of lolly. William went on a gap year, for crying out loud - how COOL is he? Harry, not to be outdone, turns out to be a real rebel. I have heard stories about underage drinking and cannabis - but never did I think that someone would actually do it. Add to this the Diana legacy (my friend's mum also died by the way: world, get over it) and Charles, surely the wettest and dullest man in England having once had an opinion about modern architecture and organic farming, and there you have it. Our Royal Family, ladies and gentlemen. Have they changed? Probably. Have they changed a lot? Probably not. Are they compatible with the 21st century? My arse.
But then, as the saying goes, "if it ain't' broke..." Given all the other problems in the world today, especially constitutional issues such as Lords reform and proportional representation, it is unlikely that the monarchy will be forced out any time soon. So, we seem to be stuck with them, however much we find then out of date and generally distasteful. Everyone will continue to be wowed every time William does something vaguely normal and we'll give a quiet chuckle if (or when) the Duke says something stupid and offensive. However, if the monarchy is a joke, it is clearly a sick one and I assure you, we're not the ones laughing loudest. But you know that William, he's quite a cutie...
(Chris Morrison sets fire to old ladies)
Kings", wrote James I in 1609, "are justly called Gods". Yet an increasing number of people nowadays seem to be sceptical of the idea of divine right. Now, all good Tories will know that the King is God's lieutenant on earth, an institution not to be tinkered with if one can help it. After all, the Russians got rid of their royal family - and look what happened to them! The same goes for Germany, Austria, France and China. The inherent stability offered by a monarchical system of government, with its authoritarian structure and its constitutional flexibility, is just too good to throw away for some woolly concern for "democracy" and "representation". However, the British way, slowly evolved since the 1689 Settlement, is under threat: the royal family is coming under mounting pressure to appear more "normal" and in touch with the masses. The "New Monarchy" is becoming an intrinsic element of the derisible "Cool Britannia" philosophy, and is demeaning itself in the process.
It all stems, of course, from the reprehensible Princess Di affair of 1997. Now call me cynical, but to me Di was nothing other than a silly, irrelevant woman who manipulated the press with aplomb and in pursuing her own ends caused the monarchy no ends of headache. And for what? Her alleged work in the field of landmines (so to speak) was pointless. She managed to persuade a number of countries to stop their use of such weapons, except that they were precisely the countries, such as Britain, who would not be using them anyway. Their use has not deteriorated at all in regions like East Africa or Central Asia, and I would like to see how one dissuades a country about to be invaded by a foreigner not to mine bridges and key points. Well done Princess Di.
The royals themselves, however, seem to have taken the issue to heart and made a real effort to involve themselves. However, one feels that they may have taken it too far with Harry and his "experiments". Still, I suppose you have to prepare for university somehow...
(Anatole thinks democracy is a fine thing - for others. He would also quite like to be King. anatole.pang@wadh.ox.ac.uk)
24th Jan 2002