Mystic Maurice
Aries A new haircut might make all the difference at the office, as frankly your face is shaped like a poo.
Capricorn If the wind changes you'll look like that forever.
Sagittarius The alignment of Jupiter is going to make it hard to digest solids this week.
Taurus My place at seven. Bring: some wine; a sense of adventure; handcuffs. Don't bring: underpants; morals; the gimp.
Pisces On Tuesday morning you'll stub your toe on the kitchen table.
Aquarius Don't look now but I think Gary Wilmot is sitting behind you. Get the pepper spray out of your bag and try not to disturb him. If he comes towards you, play dead.
Libra Faced with a difficult choice in your personal life, you'll just scream "Oh fuck off!" really loudly and then dance around with your pants on your head.
Cancer That Sharon's had her doodah pierced. Dirty cow.
Scorpio If you're going to the shop could you get me a Tizer and a Sherbert Dib-Dab?
Leo Confused by your extravagant sexuality and blinded by your 'flock of seagulls' haircut, on Friday you'll fall into the canal.
Virgo Badger Five calling the Otter: the package is in position, ready for collection. Try not to eat it this time, buttmunch.
Gemini Could you video Robot Wars for me? Use the tape that has 'Marmite Miner: The Return' written on it.
31st Jan 2002