The Alternative Oxford English Dictionary
Smuggies... People who correct the grammar in library books. Sometimes they even get so worked up about the obvious stupidity of the writer, they comment on their argument's flaws, as if those who read the book afterwards will congratulate them on their incisiveness. How do they do it? You never actually see anybody writing in the books and yet there are their smug little comments in the margin. Things along the lines of, "Well you would say that" and "You've just contradicted yourself". Are these the same people who underline everything and put stars next to the important chapters? A far superior graffiti artist is the...
Child of Pube... who concerns himself with drawing detailed portraits of cocks wherever he can (I am assuming all Children of Pube are boys; I trust no one will be offended). The cocks are always circumcised and attached to a magnificently round pair of testicles, each of which will have no more than five dead straight pubes sprouting forth like noble porcupines of the pant. Ladies areas are also sometimes depicted, one can't help feeling rather wishfully, with a similar disdain shown for practical realities. Children of Pube eventually graduate to become...
Crudities... who, lacking the wit to write something funny on the toilet walls, instead put all of their tiny minds to the task of writing such bon mots as "I like minge" and "Meet here, 4.30, Wed, for bumsex". Has anybody ever responded to these messages? Sitting hopefully in a cubicle, lubed up and ready to go at 4.30? Still, a crudity is far more preferable than a...
Religiopath... that is, those enlightened people who use up an entire wall with their deranged ramblings about precisely why only white, straight, Tory males are going to be welcome in Heaven and no one else, so there. These people scare me.
7th Feb 2002