Cat-astrophic War
The years of planning have finally come to fruition; for decades students have discussed in secret hypothetical plans to annex parts of the University. The plans are hypothetical no longer. The declaration of war by half the presidents of Oxford's colleges against the other half finds your current editors now at war with each other. And the editor on the side of freedom and right declares this:
Colleges like these, and their terrorist allies, constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of this city. By seeking armies of mass destruction, these regimes pose a grave and growing danger. They could provide these armies to JCRs, giving them the means to match their hatred. They could attack our allies or attempt to blackmail Oxford University. In any of these cases, the price of indifference would be cat-astrophic.
The Oxford Student will work closely with our coalition to deny terrorists and their college sponsors the materials, technology, and expertise to make and deliver armies of mass destruction. We will develop and deploy effective cat food defences to protect Oxford and its allies from sudden attack. And all colleges should know: the OxStu will do what is necessary to ensure our University's security.
We will be deliberate, yet time is not on our side. We will not wait on events, while dangers gather. We will not stand by, as peril draws closer and closer. The Oxford Student will not permit the city's most dangerous regimes to threaten us with the city's most destructive weapons: college cats.
Our war on terror is well begun, but it is only begun. This campaign may not be finished on our watch, yet it must be and it will be waged on our watch.
We cannot stop short. If we stopped now, leaving terror cats intact and terror colleges unchecked, our sense of security would be false and temporary. History has called Oxford University and our allies to action, and it is both our responsibility and our privilege to fight freedom's fight.
7th Feb 2002