Colleges At War
Oriel College officially declared war on Pembroke this Sunday, as apparent attempts to calm tensions between the two colleges failed. The move came in reaction to the declaration of war made two weeks ago by Pembroke, concerning the loss of Molly, the Pembroke college cat.
Tensions have continued to mount, with both colleges already beginning to mobilise their forces.
The move by Oriel, following the acceptance of the war-motion in a packed JCR meeting, came in response to the "brutal rejection" of a tin of cat food sent as a peace-offering by Oriel's JCR President, David Follows. The tin bore a message on 'Oriel college: with compliments' paper, reading 'because you couldn't afford it' in letters cut from newspaper.
Signs of a peaceful way out of the situation looked unlikely when, late last Friday night, Pembroke's "shambolic" defences were breached, and a pig's head allegedly placed in the Pembroke College Quad, with the act captured on CCTV cameras in the college.
The Oriel War Council, headed by Marcus Walker, declared in front of an already heated audience "now is not the time for speeches; now is the time to destroy evil Pembroke" as well as "all those who harbour Pembrokites". He followed by reading a speech by St. Bernard of Clairvaux announcing the Second Crusade.
The Council has since insisted: "We are at war with the college, not just the JCR."
Events came to a head at the Pembroke JCR meeting on January 19th, when "outright war" was proclaimed. Since then, relations have continued to worsen since the disappearance of the college cat, with Pembroke JCR President, Josh Kern, proclaiming numerous sightings of the cat as "irrefutable proof" of her theft by Oriel. In addition, posters have been procured from Oriel requesting 'Molly Dead'.
Reports have described Pembroke attempting to strengthen alliances with Worcester, St. Anne's and Trinity, as well as "actively seeking"to advance relations with Somerville. However, suspicions in Pembroke have apparently continued to grow regarding the role of Christ Church in the present events, who have been at war with the college since recent disputes concerning the moving of the college to Christ Church Meadow.
Oriel has also attempted to strengthen its position and establish alliances with other colleges, including St. Hugh's and Corpus Christi, as well as asserting their close ties with Christ Church.
Oriel Secretary for Inter-Collegiate Relations stated "Within hours of hearing Pembroke's declaration of war, Oriel was mobilised and its shock-troops in action", defining unlawful combatants as "any member of Pembroke College caught wearing anything other than proper uniform (that is, bright pink)".
Oriel Porters refused to comment on accusations of students from Pembroke being chased from Oriel, following an attempted attack. Since then, Pembroke have delivered threats of "aggressive action", with intelligence pointing to a Thursday night darts match between the colleges as "potentially heated".
Defences in Oriel have apparently been increased as a result, with appeals for students to stand for home guard duty, led by College Marshall, Darryl Brundle, with applicants apparently including Molly herself.
However Kern's convictions about the whereabouts of Molly, described as "independent and often aloof" by the students and staff who adopted her in early 1998, are not shared by all. Explanations range from claims by Walker that she sought "political asylum from the evil Josh Kern" to the suggestion from a first-year Pembroke student, Daniel Lowe, who claimed "Sid's Kebab Van had Molly and the Oriel accusations are just a silly power trip on the part of the JCR Committee".
Kern has commented on the relative seriousness of the two conflicts that "war is war". However he concedes that the wars are "light-hearted initiatives" and their discussion has succeeded in upping student interest in the "predominantly serious issues" discussed at JCR meetings.
Peaceful relations between Pembroke and Oriel look unlikely in the near future, as the "cat continues to wander in and out of colleges" and onlookers are pointing to the increasingly fervent atmosphere between colleges as the main indicator of how events will unfold.
7th Feb 2002