Mystic Maurice
Aries It's time to grow up and start taking responsibility for your own actions. Stop pooing in the toaster and blaming it on the cat.
Aquarius Wipe that grin off your face.
Gemini On Thursday you're going to see a bloke that looks a bit like Jethro Tull. It won't actually be him obviously, but it makes you think, huh?
Cancer If you keep scratching it it'll never heal. Where's your ointment?
Sagittarius A weekend break with your partner might alleviate some tension. Nothing major, just maybe a finger or a rib.
Capricorn The proximity of Pluto to your system will result in a runny nose in about half an hour. Don't wipe it on your sleeves you mucky boy.
Taurus You've got something on your...no the other side, yeah, that's it. Oh, and your skirt's tucked into your pants.
Scorpio Monday will be one of those days when everything's just a bit, y'know, urgh, but Tuesday will be more mmm.
Pisces With your complexion, pastel shades tend to bring out your eyes, whereas that orange shirt makes you look like Bob Monkhouse.
Virgo The position of Jupiter is going to make your toes smell of butter this week. Still, it could be worse.
Libra This is a message for bunnykins from her fluffy rabbit: Buy some lubricant.
Leo You're going to be indisposed for about five minutes on Friday morning. Try to take it in your stride. Buy some duck tape and practice fastening your strait-jacket.
14th Feb 2002