The gift of love
Oxford's got potential for romance: punting down the Cherwell on a summer's day; maybe strolling through the quad, shafts of sun shining through trees, leaves gently blowing along the path...; 'platonic bed sharing', promised by the alternative prospectus would probably do.
But no - we're all repressed, according to a poll last year by Virgin Student. Despite Fuzzy Ducks' attempts to get the juices flowing, Oxford just isn't as 'play hard' as we'd like to think.
The best-intentioned romantic is met with suspicion, with even freshers arriving on their guard against sharking. College pulls are definitely a bad move. Firstly, people actually know what you're like - which cuts your chances. And then you've got to see them again, which makes any slightly less orthodox moments of passion a little more embarrassing. Not to mention the inevitable inbreeding: while it's good to share, particularly if you're finding eight weeks a bit pushed, the genepool should really be expanded. But thankfully, oxfordromance.org.uk has hit Oxford this week. Hard to miss with its posters, Rolos, and the dubious "Love wagon, injecting a bit of romance back into Oxford". Yes, it's ideal.
Originally started in Cambridge - home to "the most romantic students in the country", according to the Virgin Student survey - the site was set up by Richard Neill and John Surcombe to "improve the welfare of students". The Cambridge site has 1,500 members and countless successes: "The best and most adventurous weekend of my life" said one happy Tab of their conquest.
Intriguing. So, in the interests of research, I set out to explore. "Minger seeks Millionaire" was one advert, while others ranged from being sweet to slightly scary. "Cultivating immunity to men, owing to traumatic past experiences". Did I really want a "playful kitten seeking stroking fun?" Well yes, probably.
"It's sick" claims Mark Siddall, an EEM student from St. Anne's. "All the blokes are after love and romance and the girls just want sex."
But there are plenty of users in it for altogether more wholesome reasons. Inevitably, there are more males than females, but it's surprisingly balanced. Maybe this is due to the Romance perfume bribery (the site gives away a free bottle to the best female advert each week).
It's slightly disconcerting not knowing who you're talking to, but knowing that everyone's a student at least rules out too many dirty old men. And I guess it removes prejudice on those minor things like looks...
The site also caters for those with a more specific target - the "invite service" might be the aid to stalking you've been waiting for. It sends an email arrow from Cupid, letting them know that someone likes them and inviting them to the site. It even has a link to the university look-up page, for those times when you can't quite remember their name...
Whether Oxford Romance does manage to spread a little love remains to be seen. It could be just what Oxford needs - fast-track love for a busy life.
Should you be lucky enough to find a little e-love, the next thing on your mind will be the day we all love to hate - February 14th. For a romantic date, the local kebab van does a good deal on chicken meat and chips, or at least what you hope is chicken. It's probably meat, at least. Proabably.
With that sorted, the present is the most important key to a little love this Valentine's Day. Clinton cards have a fine selection of gifts, but it's not for the faint-hearted. For £3.99 you can titillate the senses with a 'Slap and Tickle kit', or a furry love whip for £4.99. Chocolate body paint comes as standard, and the 'Dirty dice' will liven up any dinner party. Just don't get them out when your nan comes for Sunday lunch.
A more traditional approach suggests cuddly toys and chocolate. The 'love bears' pictured on page 9 are available at £7.99, or you could go for kitsch value with 'Tony Valentine', a singing gorilla who will serenade you with 'That's Amore'. And who could resist a kilo of Thornton's Continental, a snip at £20?
For those who to give more than gifts, why not try some love cheques from the Bank of Eros? At £2.99 you can pledge to 'put away the groceries' or 'not leave wet towels on the floor'. Not very Oxford really - what about 'not pull your best friend at a bop' or 'take back all your overdue books, and pay the fines'?
If inspiration still fails, try the bookshop. The Kama Sutra is availabe for £7.99, with 'erotic prints', or 52 Great Cheap Dates by Lynn Gordon. Ideal for the cheapskate students, dates include a 'Roman Decadence night', involving sheets and peeled grapes. Don't ask.
Love still evading your grasp? Take the easy way out. Vent your frustration with a 'love voodoo kit', £8.99 for a doll and revenge spells. Or simply stay in with a vat of ice-cream, a bucket of gin, and a nice video. Bridget Jones' Diary is only £21.99 for film, book and sound-track! Who needs love anyway? Valentine's day is just a load of tacky commercialism. Pass the tonic water please...
<ul><li><a href="http://oxfordromance.org.uk/">OxfordRomance.org.uk</a></ul></li>
14th Feb 2002