Newsfight!
Britain, the only country to have managed to completely miss out on the joy of revolution in the past three hundred years. The last time there was any significant resistance to the British government was when Shakespeare had just become retro-chic and wild Puritans dominated the social calendar. It is not mere chance that has led to this glaring omission in our history, but the lack of spirit amongst the masses, a spirit which can result in grand achievements and new directions in ideology. Britain has never been successful in repelling any threatening forces from overseas. Romans, Saxons, Normans, Germans, American pop culture, Michael Portillo, Abba*Teens... the list of invaders is endless and the lack of public gusto to blame. ...
Columns: Memoirs of a nutter
Things have been difficult for me at St. Ignatius this week. Following the debacle with Charlie (the llama, whom we eventually found, drunk, dancing on the bar in the Zodiac), I have had to maintain a low profile in college. Fortunately, the halls at college are in the form of flats, and so I can maintain at least some small degree of autonomy. Yet, being at home is not all good news, and I was rather shocked last Thursday when, at 3am (the only time it is safe to risk leaving my bedroom), I met a mouse. It was quite a nice mouse, with rather striking ears, but it was, nevertheless, a mouse. Hardly an ideal lodger for a kitchen. It declined my offer of tea, and instead scampered off to the strains of "a little mouse with clogs on..." Every mouse should have a good theme song. ...
Columns: Mystic Maurice
Aries
Columns: The Krapton Factor
I've got tickets for the Rocky Horror Show so let's get this over with as quickly as possible please, teams. Fingers on buzzers...
Columns: Spot The Difference
Columns: The Alternative Oxford English Dictionary
Library Denier... The sort of student who always denies how much work they do. Usually they are the cleverest person in your year. Before every tutorial they'll pretend that they've spent the whole week sleeping and drinking - a patent lie as the library denier rarely has any friends. The library denier is at their peak about five minutes before an exam, when they'll walk around saying "God I'm about to fail this sooo badly, I've done sooo little work, oh GOD!" When they get their results back and turn out to have achieved more marks than were actually available they spend three days telling you what a fluke it was. Real flukes belong to the......
Columns: Mummy, why?
Do garibaldi biscuits actually have squashed flies in them?
Columns: Marathon Women
Word of week is 'stagnation': stagnation like a pond overflowing with green scum and sodden sherbet Dip Dab packets, stagnation like a former supermodel who sits in front of the telly all day eating Wotsits and refuses to wash her hair, stagnation like... like, a lonely old boarded-up pub on the outskirts of a once-thriving city, rusted sign flapping desolately in the wind. Feel v poetic today. Must transmit my woe: the woe of a woman who cannot cast off the shackles of physicality and learn to fly. In other words, am lazy and didn't run today. ...