Mystic Maurice
Aries The alignment of Pluto means that you're going to bite the inside of your cheek whilst eating a lot this week.
Taurus Stop that or it will all end in tears. How do I know? Because I'm a bloody psychic aren't I? You great berk.
Gemini On Monday you're going to be violently assaulted by a kebab vendor, sliced into very thin strips and stuffed into a pitta.
Cancer You're bum looks big in that. Do you know why? 'Cos you've got a big bum, that's why.
Leo I see a visit to Alton Towers very near in your future, followed by a visit to a vomitarium.
Virgo Stop. Hammer-time.
Libra With the third moon of Saturn approaching, you're going to find a lot more green chips than usual this week.
Scorpio A new set of breasts might make you more popular in the workplace. Two words: High. Nipples.
Sagittarius Turning the mattress over is one thing, but the stain on your soul is permanent, you mucky little filth-pot.
Capricorn On Tuesday afternoon you'll consider jacking in your job and going to Morocco to live as freelance phlegm sculptor. Then you won't. Life's one big merry go round, that's what my Grandfather always used to say.
Aquarius Put your knickers on and make us a cup of tea.
Pisces Now is a good time to take up a new hobby such as rollerblading, bikini waxing or translating the nutritional information on the side of the cereal packet into Elvish.
21st Feb 2002