Newsfight!
All I ever seem to hear from my fascist friends is how modern science is tampering with nature, unleashing all forms of evil on Mother Earth.
The problem is that Hitler, a man of many mistakes, and other mad scientist types have given cloning an undeservedly bad name. His primary error was not the cloning itself but what he was trying to clone; the Arian ideal would have made the world a stage for a seemingly bad Swedish porn film. Blond hair, blue eyes and accents reminiscent of a Grolsch beer ad are particularly far from ideal. Those grandiose plans would not have solved any problems either; there would still exist an annoying bourgeoisie, who continually refuse to just die; there would still exist a proletariat which has the nagging tendency to vote for right-wing governments; most importantly, individual motivation and ambition would continue to be more important than community of thought and a lack of personal rights.
The left-wing cloning dream would right these wrongs, and see to it that the society of equals that we should have does exist. Cloning would create armies of individuals built for certain industries, industries which might have previously experienced less popularity than others. Admittedly, he who conducts the cloning would have more power than others would; however, experience teaches us that this disparity would have little consequence on society. The designing and replicating of the perfect Sloane would provide fantastic target practice for the irate within society, providing a healthy outlet for social rage. Lots of vertically challenged individuals would be needed, to provide that comic edge which Stalinist Russia always seemed to lack. People would know their place because their existence was conceived to serve a purpose; ambition and purpose, those silly things which '1984' and 'Gattaca' portray as inherent to the human spirit would no longer exist. For that spirit is a myth; if it exists, it is because God gifted it to us; when man becomes God, he becomes free to take it away.
(Jonathan Barnow has a secret laboratory inside a volcano)
Ever since Dolly the sheep was first announced to the world some years ago, one question has been on everybody's lips: who can I resurrect and bring back to life? Some immediate answers spring to my mind - Justinian, Richelieu, Napoleon, Metternich and of course William Pitt the Younger. With this rich variety of potential entertainment, it is amazing that anyone could begin to object to this kind of Dr. Frankenstein-like artistry. It is one of the few things in this world which those ridiculously boring, bespectacled science students have ever got up to that is interesting, and after so many years we cannot just throw it away.
This does not mean that I am ignoring the moral dilemma, though. If Star Trek has taught me anything, then cloning runs the risk of producing an endless production belt of mindless automatons, devoid of character, creativity or soul and unfit for public life. Given that comprehensive schools and then Cambridge already fulfil this function, can we really excuse bringing forth into the world anymore of these hideous monsters? On the other hand, apparently soon swine could be saving our lives by growing our genetic organs in case of an emergency. The sheer amusement value of pet pigs running around with human features (think of Hildabeasts, but less angry-looking) is brilliant. And after it performs its duty of transplanting a renewed liver in place of your alcohol-abused one, one gets pork chops for dinner! Such neatness is incomparable, surely an example of the Divine Clockmaker at work?
With that religious endorsement, I really cannot see any other objection. Some people say we should not undertake what is God's work, but if He had not wanted us to do it, surely he would have struck Dolly down? As it is, he has merely given the unfortunate ovine a case of mild arthritis - hardly a divine slap on the wrist from a vengeful God, is it? Just think of all the uses human cloning could be put to. We could isolate the Tory gene, for instance, or the capitalist gene, and naturally select our children so that the untermenschen can be crushed forever!
(Anatole modestly feels that the world would benefit most through the cloning of himself, or at least his voters)
28th Feb 2002