"Stories from Tab-land Vol. 1"
Greetings from the other place! Each week we shall be reporting on the latest research from Cambridge, as scientists try to fully understand the question: 'which is the better university?' We are totally not qualified to do this: 'Rob' is an ex-St.Peter's theologian, currently masquerading as a 'psychologist of religion'; and in his attempts to avoid employment, 'James' used to go to New College and now studies for a GNVQ (or 'diploma' as he calls it) in management. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Abstract: The aim of this experiment was to show that Oxford is a livelier place after pub closing. We took two hideously drunk Cambridge students, and rolled them down one of the main roads leading into the town. They survived. No control experiment has been carried out yet, but we suspect Oxford will be shown to be the livelier, at the 5% significance level.
Introduction: There has been a raging debate of late amongst the graduates of Cambridge, threatening to turn brother against brother, friends into enemies. The 'pure' light-blues have argued that in addition to their better standing in the Times league table, their recent victory in rugby Varsity match, and their near-total dominance in tiddlywinks over the last half-century, theirs is also the more exciting town. Obviously, we 'tainted blues' couldn't stand for this insolence and thus proposed the following experiment: students from each university would be selected to roll down one of the main roads leading into town, after pub closing. The roll that resulted in the most blood being spilt, or the greatest embarrassment being felt would be declared the better town.
Method: Two students were chosen from each town. They were then taken to a pub. Alcohol was consumed... recklessly. Finally, they were placed at the top of their respective roads, and told to roll as far as they could.
Results: The Cambridge students rolled 200m down Trumpington Street. They lived. In fact, never was their life in any danger. There were no cars. No people. And no hint of embarrassment caused. In Oxford, the volunteers didn't even attempt the roll. They pissed off to the Zodiac instead.
Conclusions: Until we get some more volunteers from Oxford to roll down Cowley Road, we can't be sure. Actually, bollocks to tact. Oxford wins.
The authors take no responsibility for those foolish enough to carry out the Oxford control experiment in the future, but would like to thank them in advance for doing so.
9th Jan 2003