The Raellians are coming to town
Now, it would be so effortless to mock the Raellians: so easy and so obvious to poke fun at their bizarrely messianic soundbites that even a trained chimpanzee could do it. Indeed, it takes a person with integrity to give a thoughtful and considered reflection of their organisation; but guys, I am not that man, and so I have to start this little rumination by saying that when I first saw Glen Carter, Head of the British Raellian movement, lent against the wall in a cock sure fashion, he reminded me of a man who looked like a cross between a stud like Jesus and Cliff Richard. Yes, it is true, in a curiously ironic twist, Glen Carter did play the son of god in the musical 'Jesus Christ Superstar' and had since kept those ginger ringlets and the booming divine voice, endeavouring at every opportunity to persuade me to accept that the future was world of little green men and "eternal life". Dear old Glen was accompanied by an older man, Anthony Gray, former Reuters journalist and all round nice guy by the sounds of it; but as soon as his mouth opened to let out those famous words, I began to realise that these two guys really did fit the bill of certified loons. Imagine the flier in the paper advertising for their position: "One man wanted. Looking like Jesus: preferable but not essential, to work with landing party of Elohim (aliens). Pension plan: eternal life" Gray began his speech at the PPE society event with a deep sigh, looking pensively into the distance as he wiped the perspiration from his brow. "Rael had an experience in Orrene, where a human like figure descended from the sky and began speaking to him. That was his first experience with the Elohim. His second involved him being taken up to the planet where they lived for 24 hours, where he saw the technology to create eternal life through cloning. They told him that the genetic code to clone humans existed most strongly between the eyebrows of a human. He always carried the conviction of a man who was really telling the truth and so I believed him." Glen suddenly began to pipe up and after Gray had ended his opening sermon, he stood up, flicking his ginger ringlets to one side and leant against the table.
"When I first read about human cloning I didn't really care. I thought in was INcredible. But then gradually I started to do some research on the Internet. Now, I'm no scientist, but I used to log onto the NASA website and get scientific papers sent to me about cloning to my inbox. But, you know, when I became head of the Raellians in Britain it was really strange because they stopped sending me the papers." Glen then launched into his "Now, I'm no scientist" routine again, preaching to us about the virtues of the "three steps of cloning"; stopping occasionally for dramatic effect. Apparently, the third stage, involving the Raellians taking the "personality out of the human body" and transporting it into another, is better than sex! I couldn't but help to see the truth in what he had to say, as Glen was clearly created from a mix of Liza Minelli and Eammon McCann producing a rare half-breed commonly known as "gimp". By now, it was time for questions and a sea of eager hands shot up into the air, begging for a chance to ask Glen the question on the tips of everyone's tongue: 'Exactly which mental ayslum did you crwal out of?' Well, not exactly true, but there was of course the whole problem surrounding the issue of credibility. Could it be that our friends from the planet "loon" were actually lying in a vain attempt to gain publicity for their campaign? Not according to Glen:
"That's absolutely not true. The issue was the right of the parents to stay with their children. If an 'independent' scientist had been brought in the children would be treat like circus animals and that would be endangering the safety of the children. I'm glad Clonaid didn't offer any proof. I've never met any of the families, nor seen any of their pictures, but what I do trust is the word of Dr Boisillie, she has no reason to lie to me!"
Well, no, not really Glen, apart from the small sum of $10,000 she receives everytime a baby is cloned.
Ok, so by this time I had to ask Glen about the aliens.
"So, Glen, I'm really interested: I mean have you ever seen an Elohim?"
"No, no, I've never seen one"
"So, I mean, what do they look like then?"
"Well," he stops mid sentence screwing up his eyebrows and pursing his lips "they're about 3 feet tall, obviously a little smaller than the average human...and they look like Asian people".
"What, like Narinda from Big Brother?" At this point it is safe to say that dear old Glen had no idea I was mocking him. I tried to bite my lip and clench my fists to stop myself from laughing but it was no use as I suddenly burst out in a violent fit of mirth and silliness.
Earlier on in the evening Glen had begun to inform us that the Elohim had lived on earth many moons before humans, but I was a smidgen confused about the situation. I mean, are they still here living in caves and why of course did they leave?
"Well they did something really bad!" I had to pursue him further. "They destroyed everything and then they had to leave. They created a great flood which wiped out all life on this planet, except to preserve us they created clones of each sex of every species and rose up into the sky in a big ark" Something told me I had heard this story before. Now, I'm sure we've all heard of that syndrome where actors can't get out of their role in reality: imagine what it must have been like for a guy who played Jesus for a couple of months! But Glen's delirium worsened as my questions grew more demanding; his hair by this time in a scraggly mess sat on his shifting head swaying from side to side as I spoke.
"So, Glen, one final question. What's the connection between humans and the aliens."
"The Elohim. Ah well: you know the Jews were the first descendants of the Elohim; we're all descended from them!" I didn't have dinner with Glen in the end: I think the reasons now should be pretty obvious.
20th Feb 2003