Dear Professor Peregrine...
Dear Professor Peregrine,
Having gone on something of a Wotsit binge over the weekend, namely 12 packets in one day, I am feeling a bit on the dodgy side today. I fear what is ahead in the loo department. Have you any advice?
No news is good news, Keble
My dear boy, that was a bit of a puffed corn bonanza. Let's hope you don't turn a Sunny Delight-shade of orange. On the plus side, you could have a promising career in daytime television as the new host of Bargain Hunt - perhaps as an expert on antique Apple Macs?
Dear Professor Peregrine,
I have developed a very strange habit of emailing random people and asking them if their middle names are 'music' or 'features'. The problem is that one of these random crazies keeps replying to me - are they as bonkers as I am?
Heraldangerous, Keble
Very probably. Just keep on sending snippets of their own emails back to them. They'll soon either give up in despair or recognise your creative genius and make you news editor. Either way, good call.
Dear Professor Peregrine,
I keep on fantasising about our foxy Welfare Officers tying me down with some extra-strength condoms and then whispering tantalising information on government and college hardship funds into my ears. How can I go about turning my dream into reality? (I would just ask them, but the restraining order came into effect last week and I don't want to upset anyone.)
Plastic Fantastic, St John's
Hmm, tricky. I suggest asking your tutor, though you may have to crib them about the hardship funds.
If you have a problem, please write to Professor Peregrine via
features@oxfordstudent.com
29th Jan 2004