The Snorington Table
And so began the largest survey into the state of student beds in Oxford ever undertaken. Using barrages of unsolicited emails and conversations hastily struck up in pubs with strangers, the search for the truth began.
One sleepless night as I plugged the numbers into all those A-level statistics formulas best forgotten I realised I had maybe stumbled upon the one factor unifying all the disparate social groups making up the University. The sleeping experiences of Nerd and Boho, of Boaty, Jock and Rah are identical. When my biologist flatmate assured me the results were indeed "statistically significant" I could come to only one conclusion. Our beds really do suck.
At last, an answer to one of the inexplicable questions of Oxford life: why is the cult of rowing so prevalent in Oxford University? Because it's actually more comfortable to be perched on a yawing twig at 7am getting a face-full of backsplash from the muppet in front than staying in bed. What is the reason for the baffling popularity of the PT on a Friday? Because anything delaying the start of the uncomfortable night ahead is gratefully endured.
Yes, maybe small beds are best in small rooms, but there must be other, possibly more sinister, explanations. In the minds of SCRs across the university, long convinced of the connection between temperance and academic achievement, beds are the latest line of offence. Maybe good sleep is also viewed as a vice distracting from work. Or perhaps those vital inches cut off the mattress make all the difference to the quality of the claret at high table. We could also step back and view the bigger picture and lay blame at the door of that cause of worldly ills, Capitalism. The Better Sleep Council has been pointing out the worrying trend of "dishonest manufacturers shaving inches off the basic bed sizes" in their vainglorious pursuit of profit at the expense of the proletariat's comfort.
After all this, a clear and surprising winner - that graduate fraternity, Linacre. To be frank, why this is the case is beyond me. Approaching the SCR on their keenness to make the grads comfortable yielded little explanation. Draw your own conclusions. Joint second are St Peter's and St Hilda's. Results spinning the old argument of the college wealth divide on its head. And continuing such crass generalizations sees the 'rich colleges' at the bottom. (To be honest, what made me happier was getting a perfect line of best fit, regardless of what it correlated).
Like all good A-starred GCSE science projects though there is an anomaly which must be discussed. Allegedly in New College if you are exceptionally long the domestic bursar will arrange for a carpenter to come and lengthen your bed. Who knows - you may get one of those famed double beds if you are significantly wide.
All this is before you even start to consider sharing a bed with someone. All should heed the advice of the authoritative Better Sleep Council: "Even in a standard double bed each person has less personal sleeping space than in a baby's crib". Trying the same in a single is tantamount to asking for some kind of spinal deformity. How did John Leslie cope in his student days? One correspondent revealed that some St Anne's beds are so small that her ex-boyfriend made her sleep on the floor when she stayed over. Though this is perhaps more revealing about the men of St Anne's than the beds.
So how can you escape bed purgatory? Considering the number of column inches devoted to slamming private landlords, they do seem to come good when it comes to sleeping arrangements. Students living out rated their beds the highest in the survey and commented on how it improved every facet of their lives, especially their love lives. Many Oxford Romance users advertise their double beds online, perhaps seeking those sick of sexing on the equivalent of a tightrope.
Living out is not the only option however, since colleges can be persuaded to cough up double bed nirvana. All you have to do is to be carried over the threshold of some married accommodation, which I'm guessing provides the above. For some admittedly, marriage is perhaps an extreme step, but dark whispers of Britney-style hitchings for the sake of a good night's sleep abound. Remember kids, marriage is for life, not just for next term.
Thankfully, for those of us not blessed with the necessary weapons-grade charm to grab a willing spouse, all is not lost. Salvation could yet come from a most unlikely quarter. Loathed by students, loved by bursars the perennial invader that is the conference guest may yet come to the rescue. Famous for having more clout than OUSU within the university, these exacting creatures will not settle for a knackered mattress and creaking frame (well, they do pay double) and are slowly forcing up standards. Strange bedfellows for Oxford students indeed. Merton students seem only too aware that the letting business is a pain in the ass but at least the foam mattresses of yore (which would trap a sleeper in a hole in the morning) are being phased out.
So whatever evil force truly is responsible for the shrinking lumpy beds, the future is bright. Until then I recommend a double duvet. I don't need to justify myself. Just try it.
Your bed - test it! The standard single bed should be 36" by 75". While lying in bed you should have room to put your hands behind your head without touching the edge of bed with your elbows. If it's too small...riot, demanding a California King mattress, all 6'1'' by 7' of it!
29th Jan 2004