My So-called Sex Life
Number 6: Serious Chattage
Just when did 'chat' stop being an experience you could share over a cup of tea? Chat is now an attribute you either have or don't. You can have lots of chat, good chat, no chat, flirty chat, or probably well-informed home furnishings chat, but you can no longer have a chat.
Still, since a few idiotic (probably chatless) Oxford students have adopted this ridiculous parlance, I suppose I'll reluctantly have to embrace it. Because what I want to talk about is this: Modern polygyny in theory and practice. It's time somebody really looked into the ethics of chat.
At what point, for instance, does it become wrong to continue flirting without admitting you're attached? There are two sides to this - your responsibility to your absent other half, and your concern for the impressionable flirtee. The thing is, a bit of spicy sparring makes conversation a lot more entertaining for all concerned. And frankly, if you will point to the recently-glued picture frame you dropped yesterday and mention that it's: "a bit wet around the crack", then of course I'm going to look horrified and exclaim: "Still?"
Flirting is fun, no two ways about it, and the sign of a healthy relationship is to be able to go to a party with your girlfriend and flirt outrageously while watching her do the same. I've never been a very jealous lover; once we're all middle-aged and married perhaps we should fear the casual fling, but while we're footloose and fancy-free, what would be the point cheating? If you want to break up and get friendly with somebody new, you can just go ahead.
Protracted two-timing is, I believe, rare among people our age and generation. It's very hard work, and besides, Oxford is too small a town to carry on a clandestine affair.
There are only about three romantic restaurants in the entire city; you're going to get spotted pretty quickly. So if you do cheat, it's probably just that you've already moved on and haven't quite got round to breaking up.
So if I'm with someone, I assume they are planning to stay with me until I hear to the contrary, and if they want to debate the optimum position for achieving penetration while simultaneously baking a cake with someone they've just met, they have my blessing. I expect the same tolerance in return.
But what of the poor impressionable girl you're flirting with? Should you tell her it's meaningless fun and you're not really interested? Or is that just being a spoilsport, ruining her fun as much as yours? After all, she's probably got a bloke herself.
No, I think one should enjoy the chatting opportunities offered by every social occasion, and so long as everyone regards such conversations as entertainment rather than courtship, there's no problem.
There's just one pitfall, and that's I refer, of course the Meaningful Remark. As poncey, touchy-feely, in-touch-with-our-feminine-side, cuddly Oxbridge men - which more of us are than might like to admit it - we're incredibly good at saying the right thing and making it look like an accident. Someone about to do this will look pensive and lost in thought for a few seconds, frowning slightly. He fixes his target with a slightly confused look, as if he were about to ask if she did actually just say "My damn ovary is just so painful!" (She didn't, obviously.) Instead, though, he'll say, "It's... really cool talking to you." As he says it he starts nodding contemplatively, which carries on for a second, then he stops, shakes his head briskly - as if coming out of a trance - and rapidly says: "Sorry, is that a really weird thing to say?" And with a further dismissive, "forget I said that" shake and shrug, he returns to the previous conversation.
Now during all of this, she should be thinking, "Oh dear. Another rather transparent Oxford undergraduate attempts to get into my knickers. When will they learn?" But I am sorry to tell you that she is in most cases actually thinking: "Ahhh, he's so clueless! Going around saying the first thing that comes into his head. Funny how he doesn't even realise he's said something really sweet! I wonder if he's single."
19th Feb 2004