Chuckle on this
There are few things in life that have the capacity to make me spontaneously piss in my pants. One is a swift kick to the kidneys; the other, slightly more entertaining one, is meeting icons from my childhood. It is into the second of these categories that the Chuckle Brothers fall.
For those of you too selectively forgetful, foreign, or insane to remember the Chuckle Brothers, let me refresh your sweet untouched memories. The Chuckle Brothers comprise of Paul, "the baby of the family", and his chimpanzee-faced, jug-eared brother Barry, who is wrapped in a sheepskin jacket and hunched over a tiny roll-up. Since 1987 they have graced our screens with ChuckleVision, a show involving mullets, moustaches and states of 1980s' undress that somehow managed to stay suitable for those in the 8-12 age range. The theme tune, which solely involves repeating the word "ch-ch-chucklevision" over and over again, lives on in the hearts and minds of everyone, and has probably caused more incidents of domestic violence than bloodthirsty computer games, alcohol, and crack cocaine all rolled into one.
Having said that, I must admit that I went weak-kneed when the two Chuckles appeared. Even though the mullets have been shorn, and the slug-like moustaches clipped, they somehow still manage to embody the aura of everything that was tacky and disgusting about the 80s. Fresh from the second day of their "Barry Potty and the Chamber of Horrors" tour, their deeply-lined faces and greying hair belie the fact that they are nearly 60, and still getting their kicks from chasing each other around dressed as wizards, all in the name of showbiz.
So, what's the funniest thing that's ever happened to the Chuckle Brothers? (Other than the fact that they've managed to con BBC bosses into commissioning 14 almost-identical series) "Barry was sitting on some big wide steps," Paul begins, "when a big eagle thing on the bannister fell over and hit him on the head." Undeterred by the lack of funniness in the funniest thing that had ever happened to them, they continue to recite one or two other occurrences with a claim to the crown of 'the funniest thing that's ever happened to the Chuckle Brothers.'
"Barry starts to sing a song, and someone comes on and says, 'you've got my jacket,' and Barry says 'I'll give it back in a minute; I'm doing a song,' but they say 'no, I want it now,' so he has to take it off," Paul drivels, and so the story continues, until Barry's on stage, nearly down to his pants. But, shock horror, Barry suddenly remembers he isn't wearing any underpants, and there are 400 kids in the audience, each with a very good potential civil case for the psychological damage they are about to suffer as a result of glimpsing one of the Chuckle Brother's chuckle-sticks.
As Barry squeezes his mind around the mental maths for how much money this is going to cost him, and sees his vision of a luxury camper-van disappearing over the hill, like his career, he suddenly remembers, oh glorious rapture, that "he's wearing this horrible pair of old-fashioned white Y-fronts." So all was right on the night then.
Now, I haven't started to chuckle yet, so, fully expecting to be firmly told where to go, I lead in with "You've done a lot of work for children; have you ever considered moving into the adult entertainment industry?" To my everlasting delight, they both fail to see the connotations behind the question: "That's where we came from originally," replies Paul, "We've done it all, like Morecambe and Wise." Biting back the chuckles, I seek confirmation of the Chuckle Brothers' pornographic intentions: "Do you enjoy adult entertainment?" A resounding "Yes," from Barry: "We enjoy doing both. You get more response from adults, but we don't get to do it much now." I wasn't going to ask why.
Just when I thought the conversation couldn't sink any lower; it did. Proffering a copy of The OxStu for them both to sign, our pen suddenly gives up the ghost. The last person to use it was Jordan, who, as I explain, must have worn it out. "She will have done," chirps Paul, "I hear she wears a lot of things out." Bad Chuckle, but there's more, as Barry fist-pumps: "I'm a celebrity, get me in there!"
Chuckle? I nearly died.
19th Feb 2004