My so called sex life
No. 8: Short and Sweet I'm not particularly tall. In general, I like things that are short. Plays and novels, in my view, should be to the point. I like music that gets on with it and doesn't fart around for five hours bewailing - in German - the transience of life and the emptiness of earthly union. I wouldn't really consider dating a girl taller than me. And in conversation I value directness above tact; economy of expression above all. This can be dangerous. A lot of people think one ought to be kind to one's friends, telling them what they want to hear and giving them an emotional massage whenever they seem to need it. In my view, this tendency towards dishonesty in friendships is almost as bad as the belief that honesty is important in relationships. Sometimes we are asked to give quick-fix reassurances: those turquoise shoes are perfectly tasteful. That shade of purple lipstick has nothing of the pallid corpse look about it. Designer stubble makes you look raunchy. Many people regard it as an unassailable maxim that in this situation, you should smile encouragingly and allow your friend to walk into a party looking like Beowulf's long-lost twin sister. I personally think that the best friends are the ones who tell you when your bum does look big, which is where brevity comes in: "Do you want milk in your coffee? There you go. Don' t wear those boots with that skirt, you look like happy hour in Kings Cross. Cookie?" This is clearly a lot more likely to be well-received than the supposedly tactful alternative: "You know I think you're gorgeous. Like, totally desirable. Actually, if it was up to me, I'd seduce you here and now. I'm just wondering if maybe that isn't the most flattering combination. You're just so beautiful, and I'm not quite sure it does you justice." This is the kind of nauseous sycophancy that is probably leading to "perhaps you ought to take the skirt off right now," but even if it's not, it's hardly going to come across as constructive criticism. Another thing much to be valued for its brevity is the one-night stand. Let me put this in context: I'm a romantic idealist at heart. I don't know if sex columnists are supposed to admit to this, but I don't doubt that the best situation to be in is a long-term relationship with someone you love. All the nonsense talked about "getting experience" and "playing the field" is a somewhat unconvincing attempt on the part of single men to make it look intentional. "I value my independence too much" is the female equivalent. But if you're not going to have a serious long-term partner, there's a lot to be said for keeping things simple. The reason for this is straightforward. Candidates for long-term partnership - at risk of cliché, but not of oversimplification - are people you find very attractive and also see as a very close friend. I think that's basically what we're all after, and you can generally tell pretty quickly if someone falls into these two categories. Short-term relationships are, typically, with people you find just as attractive but can't see becoming a very close friend. This is a complete waste of time. You're much better off dividing your time between your friends, who you have chosen for their company rather than their beauty so are probably much more fun to be with, and one-off liaisons, which give you all the physical satisfaction of a short-term relationship (considerable), much the same level of emotional fulfilment (none), and require a good deal less effort. In condemning the short-term relationship, I don't include purportedly serious efforts that fall through unexpectedly; it's extended flinging that seems pointless to me. If you're not serious about someone, one person you find attractive will do quite as well as the next. And strangely, even when we find someone of greater than usual aptitude or loveliness, they still seem to lose their allure after consummation. Once gone, it's irrecoverable - might as well move on. That way at least you might meet the partner you could get serious about - and if not, you're valuing your independence and playing the field.
3rd Apr 2004