Will Brown's sexual agency
Dear William,
For the past two years, since he came to Oxford as Dopey in a Snow White panto, I have secretly been having a tryst with H from Steps, but am embarrassed to tell my friends about it. Since the decline of his pop fortunes, I am worried he will end up on a reality TV show and denounce me. However, cunnilinguistically, he is unparalleled. Should I end our torrid love affair?
A Liar, New College
Oh dear - that's some conundrum. If he goes down on you a lot, then H is living proof of the dictum that you are what you eat, because he's a twat. End the lie.
Dear Will,
I am a postgraduate student teaching undergraduates. I find one of my students attractive, although she's not very interested when it comes to tutorials. She recently wrote an essay that was just off a first-class standard. My natural inclination was to give her a 69, but I bottled it at the last minute, because I thought she'd think was I trying to pull her. Did I do the right thing?
Rhys from Pontypridd
Come on, now, Rhys. I hope the tutorial concluded with you asking her to the pub to discuss the essay and using your authoritative status to pull her. At the very least you should have bought her a pint. If she only got 68, then you owe her one.
Dear William,
If I get tingles when we kiss, is it love?
Yolanda Rabbitt, Green College
Yolanda: in my experience it is always love, even if only for seven or eight seconds. Everything is transient. Even if it is love, it doesn't mean it's going to work out. Take it one tingle at a time.
Dear William,
My boyfriend doesn't like it when I try to insert my finger in his rectum during intercourse, and yet the little shit is more than happy to kick my back door down with his pork sword. How can I get revenge on the worm?
Jill Ted-Havisham, Satis House Hall
Well, Jill, this is an age-old problem. Maybe there is an argument that posterior transgression is true love, since the physical act divests itself of the biological exigencies of procreation: sodomy is in and of itself. But I think this is twaddle. You want revenge? Tie him up one night and then go to work with a pineapple.
Letter of the week, winning a Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit:
Dear William,
I am exchange student from Kök-Art. I hear Oxford have thing called girl. Nearest girl to Kök-Art in Osh. I exciting to meet girl. Where go I so to do? What I say? I do not want to meet Communist mongoloid - in Kök-Art they prevail. Aid me!
Topchubek Ibramov, St Antony's College
Topchubek: welcome to Oxford! Yes, indeed we have girls here. I recommend heading to Shout! on Park End Street on a Saturday to meet them. There you won't have to say anything, particularly if talking's not your thing. Just do some drinking and dancing and everything'll work out fine...
Fancy being laughed at by your friends and peers? Write to Will Brown's Sex Agony for romance and sex advice. Email: loser@oxfordstudent.com
13th Jan 2005