Will Brown's sexual agony
Dear William
I am a successful businessman who is making shitloads . I have a friendship scheme, whereby fit girls can stand in my company and get cheap drinks all evening. Some girls can even come to my clubs for free, provided they whore themselves around my clients and get them to buy more drinks. However, I want to start a real relationship. I have asked all of my bitches if they will sleep with me, and all have said no. Can you help?
Balrog Bonz, not a student
Balrog, I have a word from the wise for you, and that is: no.
Dear William
As a Blues rower, I naturally get a lot of attention from the girls, but I have a real problem. What with all these weights I'm juicing and the Creatamax I'm scoffing, I'm suffering from real winky shrinkage and am forced to wear a Godfreyâ„¢ Tackle-Enhancer at all times. Will anyone love me once the lycra is off?
Sean Bateman, Camden College.
Well, Master Bateman, I wouldn't worry about your winkle if I were you. If you win the Boat Race this year, you'll be a superhero and will have more than enough females trying to get their hands on your blade. Cue some joke about catching crabs.
Dear William
Whilst indulging in a spot of auto-erotica over the vacation, my pet Pomeranian Reginald came into my room without my seeing. The next thing I knew, Reginald had mistaken my swelling for some sort of bone and began to chew. Several stitches later, I want to try it again. Am I a pervert?
Jack Gough, Simpleton College.
As the great Horace once wrote in his odes: omna foramina metae sunt (all holes are goals). I wouldn't worry about it, Jack, just so long as the only people to find out are caring friends and similarly twisted individuals.
Dear William
I am something of a legend where I come from, having killed a giant Philistine who was going to lay waste my people. On account of my pre-eminent status, I thought I could pull anyone and so boned the wife of some local lad called Uriah, whose murder I have subsequently arranged. Even though I've married the girl, I'm beginning to think the whole thing wasn't such a good idea. What do you reckon?
Dave King, Jerusalem.
Some palaver you've got yourself into, Dave. But it looks as though you've got away with it, so I recommend you simply say sorry to everyone and to God and we'll chalk this up as a lesson: even legends have weaknesses!
Dear William
I have a thing for Welsh people. In fact, I only fancy Welsh men. A mere mention of Llandrindod Wells and I spread. I have a fantasy of running naked and with wild abandon on the Brecon Beacons or the Black Mountains. Am I a racist?
Maureen DiCaprio, Eardisley.
Marina: you can't like one group of people ahead or at the expense of all others. It's lucky you're not at St Andrew's, or they'd have put you down by now. Yes, you are a racist. Shame on you.
Letter of the week, winning a Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit:
Dear William
Yes, I go Shout! and meet girl. I arrest police for showing her my Oxford mound. I go Shout! again. This time no mound as it was Tuesday. I meet girl. I take phone number. What is "phone"? I never see girl so expensive as 07950 978 708. Much money in Kök-Art. "Phone" must be good. Do I go Shout! next Tuesday?
Topchubek Ibramov, St Antony's
Good work, Topchubek! Now you have to go on a date. Ask her if she likes sausage and take her to The Big Bang on Walton Street. I can see that love is in the air for you!
Email: loser@oxfordtstudent.com
20th Jan 2005