Between the Sheets
You're young, you're self-obsessed, you've faffed around for the past two years doing virtually nothing and being of no value to anyone apart from your equally useless mates. Are you Vicky Pollard? Yeah, but, no, but - you're Prince Harry.
I have absolutely no idea what possessed the well-heeled ginger waste of valuable oxygen and member of that hilarious group of unhinged weirdoes otherwise known as the Royal Family to wear a Nazi swastika to a party this week, but I suspect it wasn't an intimate love of irony for its own sake. In fact, Prince Harry clearly isn't aware of this concept, as I wouldn't imagine too many people who've somehow managed to leave one of the most expensive and well-resourced schools in the country with a B in Art and D in Geography would be. He probably thinks Auschwitz is an alcopop, Himmler a brand of hair gel.
Predictably, the small matter of the Chancellor's hugely admirable £10bn per year plan to fight AIDS in the Third World (get rid of the £15bn worth ofunnecessary civil servants and we'll really get the ball rolling, Gordon) got booted off all front pages but The Independent's, with Heil Harry dominating virtually every other paper, blame for 'the misfit prince' squarely levelled at Prince Charles, a 'neglectful father'.
What actually worries me in all this is not the clown prince's sartorial sickness or the actions of his conifer conversing father, rather the fact Harry's mates put on a party with the theme 'colonials and natives' in the first place. It just says it all really.
Yet another public figure's offspring up to no good this week was Cape Town's worst export since Turkey biltong, 'Sir' Mark Thatcher.
This week he admitted 'unwittingly' helping bankroll a coup in Equatorial Guinea (as you do), being fined £265,000 in a plea bargain allowing him to avoid a five-year jail sentence. Maggie's sprog's is now back in Britain, one of the few asylum seekers we should boot out. Yet another person given the best educational opportunities in life, only to squander them. Isn't it great Oxford manages to avoid these unsavoury types?
Headline of the week must go to the Daily Mail for Stephen Glover's royal reactionary rant: 'Are even the middle classes now losing patience with them?'
Let's face it, Steve, the working class is lost, trodden into an LS Lowry-style factory where Kappa is regulation uniform, smoking their way back to the slums crammed with gym slip mothers, chav absent fathers and general gloom is de rigueur, but by all means let's work to save the precious middle classes' support of royalty. I mean, how dare the working classes, clearly a pack of useless adulterers, be rewarded for lazing about, complaining and taking huge handouts of our hard-earned cash from the state for doing nothing? Not like the Royal Family at all!
20th Jan 2005