Will Brown's sexual agony
Dear Will
I am worried because I have started to hang around the local girls' schools in the afternoon. I am lonely, this is true, but surely someone my age must be willing to see me for the sweet, dear person that I am and accept and love me?
Professor Kevin Meatus, Portnoy College.
Well, there's no guarantee that you're ever going to meet anyone who loves you, Kev. But my advice is this: just make sure they've left school when you make your move. Going out after 5pm ought to ensure you're always safe.
Dear Will
I've pumped this bird a few times and am thinking about making it more long-term, until something better comes along. However, what's making me hesitate is her overwhelming ineptitude when it comes to smoking my pole. Last time, she literally sucked on it and my bellend went blue. What can I say to her?
Beef, St Anne's College.
Okay, sounds like you guys actually want some advice, which isn't exactly my field of expertise. But I'm sure you just have to talk to your partner about it. Communication is key to all things, and everyone wants to be good at pleasing other people. If you tell them what you want, they will feel trusted, grateful and happy. Unless it involves a lot of gagging
Letter of the week, winning a Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit
Hey Bill
Why is it no one can bring me off like myself? I have become so adept at the art of self-love that I can even do it without the sense of touch. Should I write a book about it? I mean, I could become a millionaire through this. Or am I sad to have perfected it?
Wayne T Kerr, Emmanuel College, Cambridge.
Wow, Wayne, you certainly seem to be Onan the Barbarian. I think your Zen approach to practices masturbatory is fine, if a little solipsistic. What would be cool is if you could find some poon tang, though. Company is better than money.
Dear Will
I came home last weekend to find my mistress boiling my daughter's pet bunnies on my stove whilst holding my wife at knifepoint. I shot her. My wife seems quite annoyed at me. Did I do the right thing?
Doug Michael, St Paramount's College.
Well, I'm sure cooking wasn't her strong point, but shooting your mistress seems a little unfair to me, Doug. As a result, I'm not surprised that your wife is a bit peeved. Still a nice rabbit stew might help to resolve the situation. Or maybe tickets to a Lloyd Webber show.
William
I had always been disconcerted when boys invited girls to the Nine Inch Olympics and cetera. Being French, I deal in metric, and so only recently did a conversion to confirm my worst fears: my micro-willy is only 1.356 inches long (3.44424cm). What can I do? Or will I be galloping the maggot for the rest of my life?
Edouard Coffin, Fischer College.
Cher Edouard, ne t'en fais pas! I have always found that it is best to be up front about one's attributes. If you tell a girl it's just under one and a half inches or if you tell her it's a round foot, the important thing is not the size but the fact that she's thinking about it. Not that it helps me and my 3.32319cm-er!
Yes William.
I go Big Bang with chick. She like sausage. I ask she like Kyrgyz sausage. She bitchslap me on face. I Kalashnikov her uncle Kasym's weapon. She bury in Isis now. Sleep long time. Where meet honey now? Friend tell me honey have mushy middle bit. What is this?
Topchubek Ibramov, St Antony's College (in stature rusticado).
Juice by you, Topchubek! A successful date, even if it didn't quite work out. But that's okay, because there's plenty more fish where she's sleeping. Now I suggest a romantic walk with a girl across the Parks - and you could be getting lucky soon!
27th Jan 2005