Between the Sheets
Just when we thought the most significant act of democracy was the long-awaited elections in Iraq - which won't work - up popped a familiar face on the political landscape to prove us wrong. Yes, the sword of truth, the schmoozing shield of anti-European defiance and the sunbed of sovereignty were utilised this week by everyone's favourite tan-tastic TV titan and Euro MEP, Robert Kilroy-Silk.
In setting up the electoral juggernaut of his new party, Veritas, Kilroy managed to condemn his former comrades in UKIP as "bloody right-wing fascist nutters" in a TV documentary (presumably a talking black kettle and pot were his leaving presents).
Joining the leather-skinned legislative lothario was a political heavyweight the like of which has not been seen since Churchill, Roosevelt or Margaret Beckett. You guessed it - London Assembly Member and household name Damian Hockney, who was immediately appointed deputy leader of Vanitas - sorry, Veritas - a huge achievement in a party of two. 'Veritas', as a pot-smoking Classics student (narrows it down) tells me, means 'Truth'. It's therefore interesting to note the headline of Kilroy's masterpiece of a column the week after he called Arabs "suicide bombers, limb amputators, women oppressors" was "Never Fear The Truth". Don't worry Rob, we don't.
Not content with allowing their boss to be 'interviewed' by T4's June Sarpong - a woman whose interviewing style is 94 per cent lip gloss, six per cent grating laugh - New Labour goons this week released two allegedly anti-Semitic posters: one showing Tory leader Michael Howard and shadow chancellor Oliver Letwin superimposed on pigs, and one of Howard as a 'Shylock' character.
Cue Daily Mail rent-an-outrage Melanie Phillips comparing the Shylock poster to the kind of hatred that led to Auschwitz. Aside from the hysterical nonsense of Phillips and her ilk, look on the bright side: at least we're now aware of who the shadow chancellor is.
Headline of the week goes to the Daily Mail yet again, with a gem of a story displaying just outraging middle Englanders ripped off to the tune of £12.50 for some good old-fashioned fishcakes. Little did Mark and Janet Foster know their visit to the village pub in Barnsley, near Cirencester, would be filled with such peril.
Rip-off Britain had come to their table; a Michelin star and recommendation of the pub by such revered culinary critics of Anne Robinson and Liz Hurley clearly means nothing. Pub director (of what remains unclear) Tim Haigh said it was the first complaint he had received about the popular product. No excuse Tim; must do better, says the Daily Mail, which is to be obeyed at all costs. The winning headline? "Fishcakes at dawn".
3rd Feb 2005