Between the sheets
IN THE words of that noted philosopher Gwen Stefani, “Tick tock tick tock/Take a chance you stupid ho”. Time is moving on rapidly for HRH Big Ears, as his plans to wed the Mail on Sunday's food writer's mother hot up.
In moves that show the soon-tobe- abolished irrelevants are so much better than and different to the rest of us, the mother-in-law's fallen out with the bride-to-be over the arrangements (the town hall's not up to her usual standards), the reception is in jeopardy, there won't be a best man or bridesmaids and the Daily Mail gets to write ‘Oh, what a fiasco' in 18- point letters.
There's nothing quite like a royal wedding to get the right-wing press going, and the conifer converser and Tom Parker Bowles' mum getting hitched is too good not to use every day (the latest theory, from a former Attorney General, is that they may have to get married in Scotland – excuse me while I am absolutely appalled and care very much).
Disastrously and with huge consequences, Princess Anne may not attend – presumably there is a hospital ward to be opened somewhere – and a £285 ceremony at a local Guildhall has replaced the planned bling-fest at Windsor Castle. ---- STOP THE PRESSES! An earthshattering event of magnitude beyond the return of the Almighty happened this week as innocent bystanders and paragons of virtue Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams were named and shamed as leaders of the IRA.
So sensational was this event that The Times had it front and centre on page 11, the Independent on page 18 and The Daily Telegraph on page four. Next week: bears take Charmin Ultra to woods. ---- Museli, tofu and Islington types with pretentious square glasses were unceremoniously slammed this week by Julie Burchill, who rinsed her former employer The Guardian in an interview.
The controversialist extraordinaire and self-styled Vicky Pollard-esque columnist told The Independent: “They are as staid and set in their ways as any outraged major in Tunbridge Wells. It was like preaching to old people in the end. You could smell the closed minds. The Guardian never takes a chance on anything and I do believe that Guardian readers have more closed minds than any other readers in Britain, including those of The Sun.
You're not going to endear yourself to anyone going around saying things like that, Julie. ---- The tabloids went ballistic this week as bling bling met baba and the Beckhams got another fashion accessory to lumber with a stupid name. Cruz Beckham, a headliner's dream, arrived to make Team Beckham a quintet, prompting Headlines of the Week including ‘Cruz the daddy?' (David Beckham, hopefully) and, as presents including a mini Real Madrid shirt and a big teddy bear rolled in, ‘On me ted, son.'
Back of the net.
24th Feb 2005