Coping with Academia
Last week I found myself in the college library for about the third time in my university career. It was a spooky Halloween experience, with steaming flasks of tea and ribena protruding from ever growing piles of books and journals. However, my attention was drawn to one particularly annoying fresher (a lawyer probably) who in the finest mock Home-counties accent was repeating the same annoying phrase over and over again to any person she happened to vaguely know: "I'm so blatantly not going to get this essay blatantly done." Yes, I thought, you're so blatantly, blatantly fucking not going to get the essay done, if you're going to spend your entire time attempting to court sympathy from passers-by, who given their location are probably blatantly attempting to get there own four-sides of toss finished by 9 a.m. tomorrow!
The last thing you want when trying to remain calm, collected and clear-headed is a stupid bint who can't take her Red Bull, flapping around desperately trying to figure out how to use OLIS, and brandishing a reading list as if it were a Royal death warrant. However, on reflection, I may have been too harsh as it does take time to master the art of skiving the essay and surviving the tutorial.
In essence you can employ two main strategies. For those of you who have yet to overcome the fear of your apparently omniscient tutor, you can actually produce something approaching an essay. Don't get me wrong; this doesn't mean actually doing the work yourself. The second option is to skive properly, go to DTM's for a night of sweaty hedonism, and either bluff you way through or don't go and spend the morning/afternoon catching up on some much needed sleep. Whichever, here's the definitive OxStu guide.
Just Do it!
So you haven't got the nerve yet to give up on the whole thing, so you have to get an essay from somewhere:
Books: If you're lucky one chapter of one book will have the answer (or be close enough to require only minimal adaptation) So just re-write it. You're tutor probably won't recognise it, and all you have to do is a bit of writing or typing. Typing is advised as the thesaurus function can be invaluable in giving the hint of originality to your plagiarism.
Other people: How may people have done your course? A lot. And tutors don't tend to change their essay titles more than once a century. So borrow one. Scientists are lucky here as there's a finite number of correct answers to a problem sheet, but artists will have to be more subtle. However desperate, don't copy your tute partner's essay, and ideally find someone from an entirely different college and copy the whole thing. But beware that a particularly observant tutor may be able to recognise your writing style, but if you're a fresher this will obviously be less of a problem. Oh, and don't forget your college parents and grandparents; they won't mind being woken up at 3.30 a.m., honest.
Internet: This is an invaluable resource (for reference only ... ahem) the essay bank at University is limited but particularly useful. American sites are useful, but remember they can't write proper English, so you'll have to go through with your spell-checker.
Don't do it!
Ok, you can't spare even an hour from your sleep/social life/sex life to put pen to paper. So what do you do?
If you go to the tutorial:
1.Burst into tears and say you have just been chucked by your boyfriend/girlfriend.
2.Claim period pains. Most male tutors will be so embarrassed they'll offer you the whole term off before you get further than the first "p". If you're a man it is best not to use this particular excuse; try razor burn instead.
3. Whilst in the Bodleian researching the essay you became so, so absorbed by a particular part of the topic that you spent all your time on it. Apologise for your scholarly inquisitiveness and explain to your tutor that you won't become so inspired by your subject again. Stand back and bask in the warm glow of understanding from your tutor.
4.Your printer is broken and you didn't have enough time before the tutorial to go the computer services. Or your computer has been infected by a virus and has eaten your essay. Particularly useful if the last computer that your tutor used was an abacus.
5.Your essay is on your laptop which was stolen from the RSL, when you went to the loo.
6.There are some essential diagrams which you need to include in your essay, but the photocopier was broken, so you'll hand in the essay with the diagrams straight away (i.e., when you've finished writing the thing).
7.The NUS called a national shutdown, and you could not betray your principles to social justice and engage in academic activity.
8.You thought you were doing the other essay title (a bit dodgy if asked to hand the actual essay in).
9.Oh! I told the porter to put it in you pigeon hole yesterday! He must have misplaced it.
10.You have sprained your right wrist (ahem) and have difficulty writing and typing; the college nurse says it will get better in a few days.
11. In the middle of the tutorial feign pain and dizziness. Explain to your tutor that you fell down the stairs this morning and banged your head. You thought everything was fine, but now you think you should seek medical advice straight away! (used successfully by a geographer who then left the tutorial and went to play in a college football match!)
12. You had an essay crisis and so you drank six cans of a popular energy drink. This gave you the "shits" and thus you could do not do your essay. (This was used by a BNC PPEist and actually worked)
13. It was your 21st birthday party last night, and you got a bit carried away.
14. You are a fresher and you got confused between St Hilda's and St Hugh's, and by the time you realised your mistake the tutorial would have been over, so you went home.
15. Oh! I thought you said I didn't have an essay this week.
16. Somebody died and you were too distraught to work.
17. You had to attend the funeral of the person who died the previous week.
If you don't go to the tutorial:
The nuclear option, which can only be used once a term, i.e you were ill. Write a note, send an e-mail, leave a message on your tute partner's mobile, that you are at death's door. An imperfect solution, as you will eventually have to write the essay and won't have benefit of being told what you should have written during the tutorial. Also, only being able to leave your room after sunset and not eating in hall for the rest of the week can be a real pain. Sod's law that your tutor will drive past as you wait drunkenly in the queue for Park End. Also, if you are actually ill at anytime during the rest of term, you're unlikely to get much sympathy.
So there you have it, you may not need this advice straight away, but one day....
28th Oct 1999