Last Pres Standing
Time to say goodbye
Columns: Advance your Political Career
The hack-ridden world of Oxford politics is a perilous one with numerous obstacles and "nemeses" to overcome. Deciding whether to run is the first obstacle. When you have decided that your principles must come second to your megalomaniac tendencies, then the real fun begins. Firstly, try to get rid of your opponents. Either be very scary and intimidating or get your mates to be very scary and intimidating on your behalf. Fear of failure is your greatest weapon, use it against your opponents. If you are a woman, invest in a wonderbra or something similar. Minimal clothing is advised. The seduction of the electorate is your next task. If you don't have many voters on your side create some, invest some of your hard-earned cash on the membership fees of potential voters. Just make sure the student press does not find out. If you must hust, do not take the bait of your protagonists. Do not foam at the mouth and call someone an "odious little man" or "stupid bint," etc. Try to boost your image, by appearing in Evelyn or pull someone popular at a bop. Establish a slate of candidates who are all your mates and will do and say as you instruct....
Columns: Get that result overturned
1. Make sure you have a case. If you don't, use a long barge pole to deny everything.
Columns: Top Election Tips
"He who slings the most mud loses the most ground. Don't believe your own publicity. Give people what they want"
Columns: columninches
New Year is in some ways a bigger deal in Scotland than Christmas. Jesus's birthday is just a warm-up: Hogmanay is the real thing; Coke to Christmas's Pepsi; heroin to its methadone. More drunken, more rowdy, and less cluttered with dull Christian iconography, it's the best kind of celebration: centred around an entirely meaningless premise - the change of digits - it epitomises the true spirit of partying-for-the-sake-of-partying....
Columns: Wise Words
Forty years ago, C. Northcote Parkinson published a book which, although very funny, also contains the defining rule for any student or employee who has had to complete an unpleasant task by a predetermined deadline. "Work expands to fill the time available for its completion": Parkinson's Law.
