St Peter's go to the other side

By Unknown Author

CLAD IN skin-tight leather trousers and draped in silver chains; from biker gloves to polished brown shoes, the freshly elected Evil Representative of St Peter's College looked every bit the part. As he flung back his flowing blond locks and strutted into his JCR meeting he crowed the words: 'You're all going to burn in hell.'

'Evil,' states second year Howard Burdett, 'is everywhere in this college and we love it.' His manifesto reads: 'As a general representative of the JCR in evil matters, I pledge to abuse any position of power to promote student-related sins such as sloth, geed and lust.' He adds to his promises, 'preferential treatment for women with large breasts, pointless unreasoning loathing of every other human being and the right to bear arms for over-seventies.'

Unbelievably, his college voted in favour of his position, following the JCR motion entitled: 'This JCR desires Howard Berdett to take the JCR to the other side.' A member of Oxford's Inter-Collegiate Christian Union quashed Berdett's election as "a dreadful decision to have been made, however lightheartedly. It's not a subject to take lightly. The Bible tells us to hate evil and love good. St Peter's JCR should make the right decision and abolish the position."

Howard Burnett, delighted with his success, he declared that he had, "no plans for the future." He does however, promise "punishment hours to facilitate lonely souls along a nightmarish spiral or pain and degradation." His advice to any wannabe Evil Representatives out there was "I think they should be very afraid."

18th Nov 1999