The V.i.b (very Important Boys)
We've all heard of NIMBYs (Not In My Back Yard), YUPPIES (Young Urban Professionals), and TWINKYs (Two Incomes No Kids Yet). In a recent article in The Times, Celia Brayfield branded our entire generation BYTs - Bland Young Things. Apparently we all ride those irritating little scooters, drink in All Bar One, wear nothing but black and beige (well, black is the new black, darling) and aspire to jobs in the New Media, whatever that may mean. And, of course, everyone recognises the acronym VIP. But what about the VIB - a person present since time began in every age group and class of every culture? You may not have classified him this way before, but I'd put money on the fact that you know at least one Very Important Boy. (In fact, you may even be one...)
Picture the scene: a warm summer's evening, a garden full of people drinking, chatting, listening to music. The atmosphere is relaxed - but not for the Very Important Boy, who will have taken charge of the barbecue. Any self-respecting Very Important Boy is a barbecue expert. He understands the primeval symbolism of the event that will be lost if a girl is left in charge. But the VIB can be relied upon to ensure that the slabs of freshly- killed woolly mammoth (hunted down with spears, clubs and extra reward points in Sainsbury's) will be charred with appropriate ceremony. The VIB will never allow his kill to be cooked in the mundane oven. Only the great outdoors will do it justice. (The silly apron/comedy chef's hat also appears to be an important part of this ritual, but the prehistoric origins for this part of the tradition are unclear.)
The importance of the barbecue in the VIB's area of expertise boils down to one crucial ingredient: fire. It goes without saying that this includes bonfires too. In fact, it is here that the VIB really comes into his own - the fire must not only be constantly prodded and poked and stared at with puzzled expressions - but firewood must also be found. The VIB is not put off by the towering inferno that is threatening to engulf the garden. Firewood must be found. Armies of sub-VIBs are invariably despatched to take care of the gatherer part of the proceedings.
But the VIB is not just an expert on fire. He excels when faced with any kind of machinery. (Except perhaps any kind of girly contraption eg eyelash curlers or hair accessories - he will either run screaming or break said contraption in the process of trying to find out how it works.)
A broken bike provides the ideal opportunity for the VIB's talents to be put to the test. At the first mention of squeaky brakes or wobbly chain a box of spanners will be brought out, the bike will be turned upside down and the wheels spun around while the VIB contemplates the task at hand. He will reach his verdict, then begin to take the bike to pieces, pausing only from time to time to swear or mutter incomprehensible bike-related words. When your bike has finally been re-assembled several hours later the VIB will be covered from head to toe in mud and oil and a small crowd of his fellow VIBs will have gathered to observe the process and make helpful suggestions. A word of warning though: don't ask a Very Important Bike Boy to teach you how to pump up your tyres - such requests are considered demeaning and will be met with ridicule. A VIB is always ready for his car knowledge to be put to the test. Also a hi-fi and computer expert, the VIB's knowledge will usually take the form of ridiculing your choice of equipment and commiserating over how much you were foolish enough to pay for it.
The VIB is a versatile creature. He is not even confined to what would be considered traditionally masculine or macho fields. Just look at the hero of Nick Hornby's High Fidelity - an archetypal VIB - with his compilation tapes and all time favourite lists. It may come as a surprise, but as well as Very Important Car-, Bike-, Barbecue- and Bonfire- Boys, there are plenty of Very Important Cooking Boys, and even some Very Important Shopping Boys.
And the species is at large all over the world, in all walks of life. A prime example of the VIB at work is the action movie, where there are guns, fast cars, bombs and irritatingly clueless females to be rescued. If these elements aren't enough to mark out the VIB he gives himself away by the barked orders and unlikely combinations of letters that grant him access to
submarines and nuclear bunkers - "TCP, let me through!" "KFC Federal Agent!" etc etc.
But if fire is the VIB's chief domain it is closely followed by boats. Whether he's the captain of a ship, or just the least pissed member of a punting expedition, the VIB will make use of his captive audience to demonstrate his skills. Assigning duties to his "crew", barking out orders, getting other boats out of the way and inventing complicated methods for disembarkation all mark out a VIB at work. (The girls' duties usually involve little more than drinking Pimm's.)
I should point out that this isn't intended as a feminist rant, an "all-men-are-crap" diatribe. The definition of the VIB is not meant to be negative - indeed it is affectionate. As for explaining the phenomenon - this is where it becomes more difficult. Perhaps it's best just to put it down to human nature. Maybe it does date back to our caveman ancestors - I'm sure a sociologist or anthropologist could provide a convincing explanation. Most men will metamorphose into a VIB in at least one area of their life so we may as well be aware of it. As for the equivalent female phenomenon - she's probably obvious to a male observer. We should be grateful, by the way, that in most cases VIB syndrome is confined to a select few areas of life. Anyway, the tradition of the VIB is one that should be encouraged, or one of these days girls might have to start mending their own bikes.
12th Oct 2000