Issue 3: oxford sex city
I'd nailed the compulsaries, so this is
it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from
the Americans, and my mother,
disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.
If you are new to our fair city, you may already have been treated to stories of sexual adventures in the Rad Cam, Debating Chamber and Purple Turtle toilets. In our short time here, it would surely be wasteful not to exploit our sumptuous surroundings by indulging in a little extra curricular activity around some of Oxford's finest showpieces and social centres. The phallic suggestiveness of our dreaming spires alone are enough to convince one that these buildings were designed with more than academia in mind.
There is plenty to entertain the outdoorsy type, although waiting til spring thaw is probably sensible. Nevertheless, frollicking in the Parks, Port Meadow, the sports ground, or your choice of College shrubbery is likely to warm you up a bit. Some Colleges are better kitted out for back-to-nature antics than others. Magdalen Deer Park comes highly recommended, as are St. Hilda's and Worcester, with river and lake respectively, for that real countryside feel. Try it against New College battlements for something historic, or Christchurch Meadow if you can manage to break in. However, to lose sight of the annoyance of the modern world that is CCTV is a very bad idea. Expect knowing winks and chuckles from Porters for the rest of your degree. In the summer months, there is the option of hiring a punt for such purposes. Nudity and vigour must be kept to a minimum for fear of American tourists armed with cameras and the unpleasant transition from wet to submerged. Hardly the most picturesque of venues, at least shagging in the sports ground can easily be disguised as practising your rugby tackle.
The Parks and Port Meadow are both big enough to get lost in for the more cautious, but beware stray footballs and passing rowers. Get out of the bedroom and pepper your research hours with some more interesting activities in the library. The Rad Cam's reputation as Oxford's pulling capital makes it the ideal place for those without a partner. The dimmed lights of the Lower Camera will get you in the mood on chilly winter evenings. If you manage it in the Upper Camera, the best view definitely goes to whoever's on their back. Take your pull back to a 24 hour College library instead of your room do it on the main desk. Shagging in nightclubs is skanky if expediant, and adaptable clothing is a must. The toilets are the only option for the less skillful, but there is the advantage of finding a partner with comparative ease. Bouncers are larger and more aggressive than librarians, and even less likely to believe that you just tripped and landed like that. There is, of course, our beloved Union, if you want to go for something really traditional. Breaking into the President's office is probably best left as the stuff of legends, unless you get it on with some highly placed hack (is it worth it?). Still, there are plenty of other cosy corners, not to mention debating chamber and snooker table options. Go on, get your money's worth...If you can manage to stifle your screams, fucking in unusual places can liven up relationships and make one night stands stand out. We are, apparenlty, honour bound to appreciate the uniqueness of our surroundings. Do so while appreciating the finer functions of the human body and kill two birds with one stone. Besides, beds in halls are just so damned uncomfortable...
19th Oct 2000