Behind Bars
I am writing to draw attention to the terrible state of the great Oxford institution. Now wait, before you use this paper to light a fire to heat your freezing room, mop up spilt coffee or write an essay on the bits without any print" I should point out that I am not talking about admissions procedures, grants, battels inequality. No, I am writing about the state of our college bars.
I should first declare my bias and point out that I come from New College, no doubt the greatest bar in Oxford. I had naively assumed that all colleges were this good. However, my eyes were opened if blurred by the pre-Halloween bop crawl last Saturday. I was able to observe at first hand the full horror of some other college bars, so crack open a bottle and join me on this virtual bar crawl.
We begin the tour at Wadham, a bar built in line with the socialist policies of the college. Amid medieval splendour it seeks to capture the charm of an East German housing estate. Credit must go however to the bar staff who broke with the totalitarian feel and actually seemed pleased to see us. They were probably just as grateful we were from another college and therefore unlikely to start fights about the relative merits of Marxist-Leninism and neo-Trotskyism. However the choice of beer, although cheap was limited.
Entering the bar at Exeter, was like entering an underground chamber with the architecture, atmosphere and odour of a medieval crypt. The student scene was just as dead, as on a Saturday night the college only mustered half a dozen drinkers. Furthermore, the service did not live up to Wadham's example, with bar staff who didn't know the prices of their own drinks despite the fact that they were printed in clear labels on the bar, which incidentally was tucked in a cramped corner and about four feet long.
Lincoln's bar is a paradise for the committed real ale drinker like myself, with three hand pump beers at reasonable prices. The faults here lie not with the bar but with the students. I was shocked and saddened to find some of them actually working in the bar. The English students in our party were staggered, having heard of work but never experienced it at first hand. This sort of thing is banned in New, indeed the security staff enforce it with an iron fist.
As for Jesus, I really can't say. They wouldn't let us into the college let alone the bar. I guess they must have had something awful to hide"
Emerging from Turl Street, we toppled into Trinity. This, too, was a brief trip as they refused to serve us and promptly threw us out threatening to send for the porters. In the ensuing unpleasantness that followed, someone from my college wrote his name on the lawn in such a way that won't please the gardeners, despite the fertilising effect. However, getting back to the main issue at stake, the bar was deserted, barely furnished and also closed on Sundays.
The bar at Hertford was located somewhere below the sub-basement. Its original purpose was probably either a torture chamber or coal bunker. The beer was good and cheap, although served from the tiny bars that colleges seem to love. However, every glass in the place was plastic, so I won't insult Hertford any further as they clearly can't be trusted with dangerous objects.
So there concludes our tour. I must remind all readers that any of these bars could have been redeemed had they been slightly fuller. Where are the students? Your college needs you. And if you need an excuse to tear yourself away from that tutorial essay, bear in mind the research undertaken by New College medical students which has proven that high stomach alcohol levels is the only way to kill the botulism present in an 'elegant cuisine' kebab. Goodbye and happy drinking.
9th Nov 2000