Go Ask Your Mother...
Dear Go Ask Your Mother,
I've fallen in love with a Jack Straw look-alike and I go all funny when I see him. I'm a 47-year-old dinner lady and have had a thing about Jack for the last 10 years. I have always compared boyfriends to him. Now there is a guy at college and he is the spitting image. I come into contact with him regularly throughout the day, but I find I can't even start a conversation with him. I go all of a dither and my legs feel like jelly. I want to tell him how I feel but I don't know how and it's driving me crazy.
Audrey, New
Dear Audrey,
Don't tell him how you feel - it would scare him off. You are dumping on this boy a decade of fantasising about a person you don't know. First, try to work out why you have found Jack Straw so special. He has star qualities but you are attributing something extra to him; a big cock for instance. Try writing a poem about this boy, or buying him present - a box of chocolates or a spliff, for instance. Something that will show you really care. Other than that, you'll have to send an SAE for my all-new premium rate notes on "Chelsea Clinton and other celebrity students - Their phone numbers".
Dear GAYM My boyfriend won't give me oral sex, why not? Jane Evelyn.
Dear Jane,
Go to your local fishmonger, buy a 6lb herring and give it a good kiss. You'll know why he won't then.
Dear G. Ask Y. Mother,
One of my 21 year old columns editors has a problem with plagiarism. Can you suggest any kind of treatment?.
Distressed Dep Ed, Oxford
Dear Distressed Dep Ed, Yes I can. Try slapping the cheeky little bastard. That usually works.
Dear GAY Mother,
My partner wants to try anal fisting. Can you tell me how to do it and if it is safe?
A Jon Bon Jovi Fan
Dear Halfway there,
What? That's disgusting! People like you will be first against the wall. First against the wall. Let me tell you that pulsating, throbbing bodies locked in lustful social intercourse, rubbing and licking away the morality of our youth is the greatest problem to face our culture, since the emancipation. Away with you.
Dear Go Ask Your M,
I am having a problem with something quite personal, can you e-mail me the answer back (as I am a little shy and embarrassed). I still wet the bed every night. It is so embarrassing. I'd like to stay over in my friend's bedroom, but because of this I can't. I am also worried about my sub editors finding out about this problem as they will lose a great deal of respect for me and 'take the piss' constantly. Apart from rubber sheets, what can I do?
Deputy Editor, Oxford Student
Dear CHRISTINA STOKES, 20, FROM TRINITY,
Anxiety and worry often play a big part in this problem, so remember - it's not your fault. It's those bastard sub-editors. Let them know they are getting you down and see if you can sort out ways to compromise. Maybe you could start an anti-bullying group with other members of the abused OxStu staff, like DJ "Sasha!" for instance. In the meantime, talk to some of the incontinent old buffers on Bonn Square and see how they manage to have a good time in/with wet gear.
Boundaries don't hold us. Don't let them hold you. Take control of the machine now! nobbyuncle@hotmail.com
22nd Nov 2001