Books
SEX! HARDCORE SEX! LESBIAN SEX! BESTIALITY! HELL, WE'VE EVEN GOT NECROPHILIA! WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON, WE CAN PROVIDE FOR YOUR EVERY SEXUAL FANTASY!
Sorry about that, but of the meagre twelve people who read my first review, one was my Editor, four were computer programmers, five were from Merton and the last two were computer programmers from Merton! So today I thought to myself "I need some way of catching people's attention." Hey, you're reading this now aren't you?
In fact, "How it Ended" contains very little sex, and what it does have is only ever implied. If you want more explicit sex then go buy a porn film for Christ's sake! Hey! Wait! Where are you going? Yes, I know I said to go buy one, but at least finish this review first! Go on! It's really good. Honest......
"How it Ended" is a collection of short stories (will I ever get a real book?). The problem with books like this is that some stories will be good, some average, and some deserve to have the "or" in short replaced with something a little more appropriate. (If you're a little slow on the uptake it's an "i".
Yeeeeeees.......now you get it!). I, however, have developed a completely foolproof scheme for deciding what rating to give a book like this (as opposed to rolling a die and counting 6 as 0 which is how I normally rate things). This formula is the result of whole seconds of hard thinking, and now, for the first
time ever, I'm going to share it with the world. Exciting, yes?
No, I'm not showing you it yet. You'll have to keep reading if you want to see it. First, we'll look at which stories are good and which aren't. "Third Party" (man is mistaken for someone else by two other people) is a reasonably good opener. However, it is followed by the miserable "Simple Gifts" (a woman visits her boyfriend for Christmas and nothing happens). "My Public Service" (an ex-political- political aide plots his boss' downfall) and "The Business" (a screenwriter blackmails a producer) are both quite good. By this stage the book is looking quite healthy. If only it were that simple. The dire "Con Doctor" (plot? what plot?) pushes the rating back down. The fantastic "Smoke" (two people give up smoking) is better than it sounds and is worthy of a star all to itself. The problem is that it steals all the remaining writing skill from McInerney and the rest of the book is horrendous. By the time you reach "Reunion" (if you ever do) you may feel like throwing the book (and/or yourself) out of the nearest window. But don't despair! Just read smoke again and you'll see that McInerney is really quite good.
So, then, now comes the bit you've all been waiting for. My formula for rating short story collections. Are you ready? Good, because here it comes: (Now would be a good time for a drum roll. If you haven't got your own drum kit then just bang your hands on the table. If you don't have a table then use your
imagination! You're supposed to be smart Goddammit!)
To give the book a rating simply multiply the number of good stories by 5 and then divide by the number of stories. Simple! What do you mean "Is that it?" This is the greatest formula ever! Just watch it in action!
Firstly, there are 10 stories in this book. Out of these 10, 4 are good and "Smoke" is so good it is worth 2 good stories by itself. This now gives us 5. 5*5 is 25. 25/10 is 2.5 (so that's three because I don't like halves). I hope you kept up with that because I'll be asking questions later. "How it Ended" therefore gets a rating of three stars. It really is that easy.
At £7 this book is a lot like two mixed kebabs from McCoy's (Oxford's premiere kebab van). The first bit is excellent; but as you progress it becomes more and more nauseating until you're left with the cold, greasy pitta that is "Reunion". However, unlike with the kebabs, you won't get heart disease from reading this book (please note that this is not a guarantee. If anyone does get heart disease from reading it then it's not my fault). Be good to yourself. Spend your cash on "How it Ended".
Kieran Symington
"Fencing, fighting, torture, poison, true love, hate, revenge, giants, hunters, bad men, good men, beautifulest ladies, snakes, spiders, beasts, chases, escapes, lies, truths, passion and miracles."
It is with these words that William Goldman's father introduced to him a story that became an obsession. Goldman presents a revised abridgement of the Morgenstern original as testament to its popularity over twenty five years on from its first abridged publication. The adaptation becomes distinctly his own: it has a voice rooted in modern culture and leaves out much of Morgenstern's unreadable political treatise. This book not only presents the tale of Buttercup - the most beautiful girl in the world - but the impression "The Princess Bride" had upon Goldman's life. As well as the abridgement, he was driven to write the script of the film which became a cult hit. An extensive introduction, epilogue and textual intrusions provide the sense of two threads running simultaneously: William and Buttercup both on a fairytale journey.
However Buttercup's story is somewhat more fantastical and forbidding. "The Princess Bride" is more of a grown-up fairytale than one would expect. It is more sophisticated than any Harry Potter novel as its depravity stems less from a pure, unearthly evil but from people who are just plain bad. The author is unafraid to tackle the sinister instead of reverting to Disney-style smugness. When events conspire against our heroine, she attempts to commit suicide. Even darker is the tantalisingly described creation: the "Zoo of Death". I cannot reveal what horrors go on there but needless to say - Walt wouldn't approve.
Yet "The Princess Bride" does follow something of a conventional plot. Buttercup is one half of a "star-crossed lover" pairing. Wesley hence is her socially inferior true-love. She comes to think he is dead and is consequently forced into betrothal with the evil Prince Humperdinck. Then ... surprise surprise ...Wesley ain't so dead as once we thought. Here narrative pace quickens towards an end that is not as predictable as one would expect. Thankfully the characters do become more than the fairytale caricatures they seem. Buttercup is not a demure and fragile beauty who requires constant salvation. The plot is also further enriched with the inclusion of supporting characters which are as much a part of the story as the lovers. Inigo - the fencing master with a penchant for drink and a lust for revenge. Fezzik - the Lennie-like gentle giant. One can see from this colourful supporting array how easily this translated into film.
This absorbing narrative both transports the reader back - in a cliched way - to a happy childhood while simultaneously shattering the preconceptions we have about the genre of fairytale. The book's wonder lies in its originality: the ability to surprise and revive an essentially amazing tale. Boy and girl may not live happily ever after but there is a childlike hope in the novel.
Okay, we gather that I like this book - that I completely enjoyed engaging with it. So we come on to the other half of the "story". William Goldman is quite clearly obsessed with "The Princess Bride". His editorial intrusion is something you do get used to but you still feel this man's attitude is slightly unhealthy. When he describes his family, his wife comes across as cold and clinical while he is equally harsh to his son:"Jason has inherited his mother's total lack of humour ... (He is) a blimp".
All this from a man who is merely abridging the book! I don't really need to know about his dysfunctional existence. Goldman then goes on to claim that "The Princess Bride" has been the most important thing in his life. I hope this abridgement brought in enough money to pay for his wife's alimony and Jason's therapist.
Maybe I am being slightly harsh. Goldman is not evil and things improve on the familial front: but my enjoyment of the book was somewhat sullied by my general outrage at Goldman's blunt nature and possessiveness over the novel. Nevertheless you should read it. It isn't a textbook or a trashy novel or remotely reading-list. It is an intelligent fairy story given a slightly strange modern resonance and well worth your time.
Andrea Macdonald
22nd Nov 2001