The Bottom Line
With the philistines of Britain voting the Sheldonian Theatre the most uncomfortable arts venue in Britain, it falls to one intrepid (or quite possibly merely bored) man, namely me, to traipse round Oxford's theatres, concert halls, cinemas etc. and see if their description was an accurate one. With the trusty (and patented) Arse-O-Meter (a reading of 1 meaning luxurious pampering and a reading of 10 meaning hideous torture) in tow, let us go then, you and I...
The Sheldonian
Well, why not start with the legendary Sheldonian Theatre. Although it's aesthetically absolutely stunning, obviously, and, as every Oxford student knows, a key feature of one's education from matriculation onwards, there can be no denying that the wooden benches at the top of the theatre are hideously uncomfortable, meaning that the thought of spending hours sitting watching a concert is far less tempting than it ought to be. Granted, the seats downstairs are rather better, if only because there's less danger of actually injuring one's spine and causing paralysis, but the lack of legroom and the cramped conditions mean that going here really is more of an ordeal than a pleasure.
However, despite all this, the glorious surroundings, frequently wonderful concerts and the general ambience mean that the Sheldonian, uncomfortable though it undoubtedly is, cannot be ignored.
Arse-O-Meter rating: 7/10 (with credit given for the surroundings)
Holywell Music Room
Famous for being English's first purpose-built music room, where the young Mozart once played some minor symphony or other of an afternoon when he had nothing better to do, the Holywell suffers from some of the same problems as the Sheldonian, as, apparently, patrons of the arts in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries were far more resilient to physical discomfort than the softer, less rigorous present-day concertgoers.
Thus, attending a concert here is vaguely akin to going to an arts event in a very respected but deeply old-fashioned church, with the raked, hard wooden seating and reasonable but unexceptional acoustics meaning that the pleasures of any event are more likely to be historical and musical than physical.
As with the Sheldonian, bringing a cushion would not be a bad plan at all, but it's still bearable without.
Arse-O-Meter rating: 6/10
Playhouse Theatre
We like the Playhouse at The Oxford Student. (At least, I do, so I assume my colleagues will as well). It's an excellent mid-sized venue for a variety of interesting, well-staged plays, and, happily, it's also a very comfortable location to see drama of any description, with pleasant chairs, good sightlines (except in the circle, where it becomes slightly more difficult to watch the play from the absolute back), a good bar and even a not at all bad occasional café. The only things that stop it from being perfect are some minor acoustic problems if you're unlucky enough to be stuck at the back of the stalls, and, more bafflingly, an occasional smell of what can only be described as ... fish. Most bizarre.
Arse-O-Meter rating: 3/10
The Phoenix Cinema
Deservedly basking in its reputation as Oxford's most eclectic and hippest cinema, the Phoenix seems equally as proud of its almost wilfully 70s throwback nature, which means that, far from the popcorn and chewing-gum soaked seats of the Odeons, the ambience here is bohemian and laid back, with little obvious attention paid to updating things for the modern punter. While this is perfect for the large screen one, where the back row offers ample legroom for those who feel the urge to stretch out in whatever 3-hour Ingmar Bergman revival is being shown, the smaller screen two can get extremely cramped and somewhat sweaty, with the overall feeling occasionally being closer to being at a club than a film, especially if, as often happens, the film ends up being sold out. If that is the case, the only advice that I can offer is to relax, and go with the flow. Or, alternatively, just go to the bar and start drinking.
Arse-O-Meter rating: 4/10
New Theatre
Home to countless touring musicals, occasional opera recitals, B-list rock acts and even the legendary Ken Dodd from time to time, this is an illuminating example of how, for theoretically the same ticket price, your experience of whatever you attend can vary wildly. If you're in the stalls or in the circle, this is a perfectly acceptable, if still vaguely old-fashioned, place to go, with the slightly cramped legroom and potentially dodgy sightlines balanced by the strong acoustics and the enjoyably retro vibe of it all. If, however, you have the misfortune to be up in the gallery, prepare yourself for a hellish experience, which is, by turns, uncomfortable, frustrating and simply painful. If, by some accident, that fate should befall you, try and flee to the circle or the stalls as soon as a decent interval presents itself.
Arse-O-Meter rating: 4/10 (main theatre), 9/10 (gallery)
The Zodiac
Let's be quite candid about this. Nobody visits the Zodiac with the same expectations with which you visit the Sheldonian, so the concept of 'uncomfortable seating' doesn't really begin to enter the picture. Instead, as somewhere to go and see a gig, ('arts centre' might be stretching it ever so slightly, if we're being brutally honest), this is a very good small venue for some up-and-coming bands if you're interested in them.
Acoustics are good, given the rather diminutive size of the upstairs and downstairs stages, there's normally plenty of room to jump up and down without accidentally being murdered for spilling your neighbour's shandy, and, should you be desperate to sit down, there's always a bit of pipe to sit on in the bar. Admittedly, it's hardly luxurious, but what did you expect? The Savoy?
Arse-O-Meter rating: 5/10
30th Oct 2003