ALUMNOTS
Jacques Chirac would have made the perfect Oxford hack and would have found success in the Union, OUSU, his JCR or anywhere else he tried. His ability to effortlessly change his stance on any issue, as shown by his transformation from ardent nuclear tester to lime green environmentalist, would flummox all his opponents.
He'd be unrestrained by the ideologies that hold so many student hacks in tutelage. Through his faux pragmatic populism, he'd be able mercilessly to inflict his electioneering on fellow students.
Chirac's hobbies of gluttony, mistresses and watching sumo wrestling would make a trio no student hack could beat. He would be disappointed at the lack of a sumo wrestling arena and Michelin-starred restaurant in the centre of Oxford, but his charming persona would trap the naïve, and those who resisted would face the full impact of a sumo charge.
Good old Jacques would soon become the nemesis of everyone, including those who voted for him, when he decided to do the opposite of what it said in his manifesto. Yet, in the bizarre world of hack morality he wouldn't care once he had reached his objective: power.
In the field of lying, he would be able to beat anybody in Oxford past or present, including such luminaries of the dark arts of deceit as Jeffrey Archer. It is unsurprising that Chirac got so far in politics. A man who can successfully cover up blatant corruption by consistently looking sincere, and speaking of his love for the French people, deserves a toxic person award for his efforts in evading the French judicial system.
Chirac's Gallic arrogance would drive everyone to despair. Whilst he wouldn't have the opportunities provided by European summits to bully everyone else into accepting that he is always right, he would achieve it through conversation. Attempts at having a balanced conversation with Chirac would be as successful as trying to convince Olympic athletes not to cheat.
Chirac's presence in Oxford would benefit nobody but himself and leave the University in a state of trauma. Student politics is bad enough at the moment without Jacques Chirac; with him it would be intolerable.
14th Oct 2004