Fashion Faux-Pas
Much like kissing, fashion is an area in which the majority of the population is involved in a dance of deception regarding their performance. To be perfectly frank, a few are brilliant, some are mediocre, and the rest are simply atrocious. One must admit the fashion formula is simple: shoes, trousers, jumpers, the odd accessory. It is staggering, then, to observe the hideous disasters born out of this elementary recipe, ambling confidently down High Street.
Fashion’s capacity for metamorphosis and reinvention, as well as the occasional mis-step (I am certain we all remember platform trainers), simultaneously serves as its redeeming grace and Achilles’ heel. I hesitate to reveal my favourite pieces for the Oxford autumn, in fear of placing silly notions in the impressionable fresher mindset of misty quads and taffeta sweeping the cobbles.
Instead I turn to those items one must avoid like the bubonic plague - it is far more enjoyable to indulge in a bit of a bitch, anyhow. I’ve prepared a little list of Oxford fashion horrors, along with stylish remedies, for your edification; I would advise any fresher to take this list to heart, as well as some of Oxford’s more unrepentant fashion sinners.
Pashminas
In my dreams, I sew all the pashminas of Oxford into a sail, and then send the HRH Pashmina far, far out to sea.
I cannot think of a more irritatingly ubiquitous piece. Alternative: A thin silk scarf is far more elegant, and unlike the pashmina, it doesn’t make you look like a sixth former at your all girls’ school in the southwest.
Ugg boots
The Ugg Boot is a slippery character, as he seduces his wearer with his undeniable comfort. Are they comfortable? Mais oui! Are they hideous? Alas, mais oui as well. Please stop wearing Ugg Boots. A real boot should be able to simultaneously sashay and stomp.
Ugg Boots simply whimper, and then die. Alternative: Western style boots are very attractive at this moment in time, but then there is the ever present danger of channelling the Olsen twins. Real English riding boots in all their glory trample any soft shoe Australian booties in their path
Disc belts
This is fairly self explanatory. Gaze at your disc belt.
Is there any element of beauty or grace in its lines? Alternative: A wide suede belt in an unexpected colour, such as magenta, will stand out for all the right reasons.
Full, floor length peasant skirts
I fail to understand why women continue to drape themselves in billowing bed sheets. It’s unflattering, and the hems always get dirty. Send your skirt to a country in need, and they should be able to use it for a tent.
Alternative: If Bohemian would develop any sort of backbone, its ideal autumn skirt would fall to the knee, and incorporate rich velvets, moody laces, and unexpected detailing.
Lip Gloss madness
As a good friend once said, ‘I adore Julia, but I’m often frightened of drowning in the oil slick she refers to as her mouth.’ Lip gloss enthusiasts, consider yourselves warned. Alternative: A subtly matte pink lip is eminently suitable for the dramatic nature of this autumn’s clothing.
5th Oct 2005