Lincoln JCR resolves to hire prostitute for 'caged animal'
Lincoln JCR has resolved to hire a prostitute as a birthday present for one of its undergraduates, using JCR money. A motion brought to Sunday night’s GM noted that Thomas Plowman, a 2nd year English student, “has not had sex for a long time,” and that “nothing would please Mr Plowman more than to get his end away on his birthday, through any means.
The motion, which was passed almost unanimously, was originally submitted by members of the Lincoln football team, who were concerned by fellow footballer Plowman’s apparent lack of a romantic life. “We’re worried that his lack of match-practice in the woman stakes is damaging his on-field performances,” says Paul Clark, captain of the first team.
Other students told this newspaper that Plowman is like “a caged animal and is driving everyone else mad” and that it is in the JCR’s interest to calm him down. Plowman was not available to comment on the motion, or on the amendments passed during the meeting. They stipulated that the prostitute in question must be a male and in possession of a “large phallus”. The price ceiling of the prostitute was set at £10 “for everything”.
Jack Jones, who proposed the amendments, believes Plowman will be “delighted” and insisted the use of JCR money was justified because: “Tom entirely deserves it.” JCR president Ollie Munn did not wish to comment on the details of the motion but noted, “this is Lincoln JCR at its best.” College authorities refused to comment.
27th Oct 2005