What's the point of Turl Street colleges?
Steeped in history, tradition, and dubious sexual practice, Turl Street is surely one of the jewels in Oxford’s crown. Singled out for special mention by Bill Bryson as one of the (surprisingly) few spots in Oxford that truly deserves the respect and admiration given Oxford by the world at large, it also has the twin delights of Mehdi’s and Hassan’s sat comfortingly at either end.
Walter’s Barbers provides a none too shabby hairdo on which to rest your new top hat, and QI is a perfectly pleasant place to pass the evening (as long as you can get away from the riff-raff hanging around downstairs). Perhaps it is the aesthetics, cuisine and amenities that are ultimately responsible for the utter uselessness of the three Turl Street colleges.
Exeter, Lincoln and Jesus have, as far as I can see, contributed collectively less to this university than Paul Ross (younger brother to the incwedibly iwitating Jonathan) has to broadcasting. What springs to mind when we think of these institutions? Jesus • a certain affection for members of the genus Ovis; that’s obvious. Lincoln • incest. If applicants were accepted on the basis of a common gene, the market for six fi ngered gloves would explode.
Exeter • appears in His Dark Materials. Clap clap guys. Go team. I know that it’s nice to be able to feel at home in one’s own college, and I like a trip down to my JCR or bar as much as the next person, but someone needs to reassure Turl Street’s inhabitants that the air is breathable beyond the safe confi nes of that cosy road. The sun still shines, the birds still sing, there are interesting people to talk to and edifying pursuits to be followed.
Somehow, I feel that any attempts to persuade them will go unheeded. Especially given the diffi culty you’d have getting them to talk to someone outside college. There are enough dull people in the world already. Turl Street doesn’t need to provide three colleges full of them.
The façades of the buildings are lovely, but surely the insides could be put to better use; homeless shelters, a war veterans club, centres to aid failed Union hacks gain some perspective? Why not kill two birds with one stone by letting the residents provide some entertainment whilst simultaneously culling a few? I propose a fi ght to the death between the three colleges.
Let’s take them out to University Parks, supply a few maces, scimitars, maybe a claymore or fi ve hundred, and see what happens. When there are enough left to fi ll one college, we can call it a day and sleep safely in the knowledge that Darwinism has reached its logical conclusion.
3rd Nov 2005