Corpus cracks down on thefts
Corpus Christi’s JCR domestic officer Craig Heasman has promised to “come down like a metric tonne of bricks” on the mysterious group of students calling themselves the Guild of Thieves if there are any more incidents of stealing from other colleges. This follows reports in The Oxford Student last week that the Corpus JCR planned to award the title of ‘Master of Thievery’ to the student who steals the most impressive item by Sunday of 5th Week.
In an email sent out to JCR members, Heasman said he had “heard reports that some more silliness may be planned” after the official deadline for the thievery competition, which was won by first year Alistair Jennings. The stealing spree, which saw, among other items, the sundial from Christ Church taken, seems to have slowed down this week. JCR President Dave Holtam said, “we only have a chair from Merton and a lamp from Oriel left.
So far, we have returned a bird feeder and dartboard from Christ Church, a bar stool from Oriel and a bust from Trinity College library. “The JCR Domestic Officer, Craig Heasman, has been very vocal in his criticism of all thieves. However this may be a smokescreen,” he added. “Craig is currently running a campaign to be elected as JCR President, Treasurer, VP and Domestic Officer, and his campaign is very big on clamping down on college thefts.
“[But] someone that may look remarkably similar to Craig, going by the name of ‘Evil Von Tease’, has been at the hub of the shenanigans.” Heasman said, “I have to admit I’ve got an evil twin brother, who was whipped by my parents and ran away at the age of six. “We do meet up for a drink every now and then though, and he has said he’ll retire from thieving to concentrate on his first passion, which is sado-masochism.
As a result of Corpus’ shenanigans, Balliol students have been warned to be vigilant against theft. A Corpus student attempted to steal a large Erdinger glass from the bar in recent weeks, although this student was apprehended by a member of the Balliol JCR. The bar staff have reportedly even taken the step of removing a large unsecured light, “to stop Corpus getting their hands on it”.
Balliol bar manager, Craig Abrahams, stated that “should we catch any thieves or anyone vandalising Balliol’s bar in any other way they will be banned permanently from Balliol JCR’s facilities and their name (which we will have having signed them in our guest list) will be passed to our Dean who will take further action as he sees necessary."
10th Nov 2005