Match me if you can
Sunday afternoon. It was raining, and I was hung over, but still I hauled myself out of bed for a hard afternoon’s matchmaking. And not one single person wanted to do it. Yes, the combination of my trademark ‘tramp jacket’ and my new black eye (don’t ask) made me about as attractive a person to talk to as a hack in election week. Yes, it was raining, and you probably wanted to get out of it. Yes, you probably had things to do. But, dear reader, so did I. You could have helped me.
Is a free meal with someone of your choice that awful? You fools. You selfi sh, selfi sh fools. Yes, you. This goes out to you, man with red scarf who had a birthday dinner to go to. And you, girl in Trinity rowing hoody who was meeting her parents. And you, fi t girl with the umbrella who just ignored me. As for all you folks from Brookes, I absolve you. You were never in the game to begin with. As were all you civilians out there.
Ach, what am I saying? I still love you Oxford! And anyway, like all problems, this one was solved. After a hard afternoon pounding the pavements, time was growing short before our dinner reservation. After the nuclear option of the Union bar yielded nothing, truly desperate measures were decided upon. So, for one week only (I hope), Street Date became Match Me If You Can in a shocking blast from the past.
I retired out of the autumn drizzle to OxStu towers, where our noble features team were putting the fi nishing touches to the fi ne paper you hold in your hands now. After I swore a lot, phones were produced; sure the fi rm, indefatigable Ox- Stu minds would yield results. Features Rich was more interested in subbing. Features Morwenna just didn’t know very many people.
However, Dep Ed Kiran led from the front as always, and as he at the last minute procured the services of this week’s testosterone tube, Jim, I secured the presence of this week’s no-tail, Selina. Relieved that total disaster had been averted, we went to rendezvous with our charges and James, our trusty photographer.
Surely some good would come of this afternoon of misery, stress and sobriety? Surely the meeting of Selina and Jim would restore some good to Oxford, redeem this cursed globe, cleanse this soiled existence? Please oh please God, let there be joy in this world once more...
Jim
Poor Jim has been going through “a bit of an arid spell” recently, so his “standards have become more lax,” although he does describe his normal tastes as “pretty standard,” stretching as they do all the way to women who are “funny and easy to talk to,” providing they are not “vain, arrogant or loud.” (Charlotte from Ash being his dream date). Something of an indie kid, Jim loves going to gigs, and is proud of the fact that he went to Glastonbury this year.
When not telling all who will listen that he once saw a distant speck that sang like Chris Martin, Jim is into the “manly” sports of lacrosse, cricket, croquet and hockey. Now terrifi ed of his brute masculinity, Jim quickly emphasised his cuddlier attributes, asserting, “I’m pretty laid back.”.
Selina
It is fair to say that our beloved Selina is somewhat, well, girly. She counts among her pastimes not only “singing along to Britney Spears,” but, somewhat worryingly, “pretending to be Britney Spears.” Trailer trash chic aside, Selina’s interests include shopping, dancing, acting, and mathematics!? Increasingly convinced that I was talking to a total mentalist, I moved onto her preferences in the he-men of Oxford.
A sense of humour is essential in Selina’s men, since apparently “laughter is the best way to tone”, and she is attracted to such characteristics as “arrogance, chauvinism and ambition”, but as long as they are tempered with “a nice bone structure”. Encouragingly, “slightly ample figures” are acceptable.
Jim on Selina
"Selina was really chatty, and although she asked me to tell her to shut up if she talked too much, this did not prove to be necessary. There were absolutely no awkward silences which was really cool. Once the usual pleasantries were out of the way, we delved into slightly murkier realms of chat, and I received a fairly explicit account of how to tell if a girl is on her period, among other things.".
LOOKS: 8/10
DRESS SENSE: 8/10
PERSONALITY: 9/10
WILL YOU SEE SELINA AGAIN? “She gave me a run down of her weekly timetable so there is no escape.”
Selina on Jim
"The conversation flowed quite freely... neither of us ran out of questions to ask from our ‘awkward silence’ list. I was a bit apprehensive at first after checking out his slightly drunken photo on the facebook, which doesn’t do him much justice - he is a lot better looking in real life. Overall, it was a pretty fun night: Jim is a very down-to-earth and friendly guy, if a bit shy. My Mum would approve."
LOOKS: 7/10
DRESS SENSE: 9/10
PERSONALITY: 8/10
WILL YOU SEE JIM AGAIN? “Probably as friends.”
10th Nov 2005