There could be trouble ahead
Can a ouija board answer your latest essay question?
I used to think necromancy was a kind of throat kissing featured in the Halls Soothers ads. Hearing stories about people who use ouija boards to talk to the dead always brought to mind images of a dark, smoky room above a chip shop somewhere, probably Spitalfi elds. Here, all manner of gullible spinsters and penniless merchants listen to the wailings, moanings and transcendental pronouncements of a wizened old gypsy woman gazing into a crystal ball.
But I had a nagging suspicion there might be more to it than that. So, with this in mind, and in the best spirit of investigative journalism, I thought it was time to delve into the mystic secrets of the spirit world. So much for stereotypes. A Google search on ‘psychic’ yields one and a half million hits. The tradition of consulting oracles, shamans, mystics and fortune tellers is alive and well in the world today, and if the evidence is anything to go on, becoming increasingly popular.
So is there any truth in the matter? And if so, who’s going to win the 12:40 at Ascot? “The evidence is overwhelmingly that Tarot consultations can help with key life decisions,” says professional Tarot reader Andy Zarubica. “Increasingly, people from all walks of life, and especially prominent businessmen and fi nanciers, are turning to the cards for guidance in important decisions.” I was sold.
I got hold of a book on another occult device, the ‘I Ching’ • a 3,500 year-old tome containing the judgements of King Wen on each of 64 hexagrams, and also the commentaries of his noble son, the Duke of Chou. It recommended I sit down calmly and formulate a question clearly in my mind. I was a bit worried at fi rst. No doubt asking the oracle, “Is there any future in fortune telling?” would create a spacetime singularity which would implode, destroying both the future and myself.
Instead of risk that, I decided to ask the oracle, on behalf of our current crop of world leaders, “Should I invade Afghanistan?” Whether this counts as consulting the oracle or is merely insulting the damn thing I couldn’t say.
After drawing a sequence of marbles out of the bag in accordance with the established procedures for selecting one of the 64 Ching hexagrams, I discovered that I had chosen Hexagram number 29, ‘K’an’, which literally translates as ‘The Abysmal’, symbolised by a dangerous crevasse and a snake. The potted wisdom attached to this Hexagram says, ‘Bound with stranded ropes and sent off to the dense thorn bushes to be judged and found wanting. This is probably a bad idea.
If you go on like this you won’t get anywhere for three years. You will be excommunicated from the spirits and left wide open to danger.’ Things were getting a little apocalyptic here, so I decided to switch to testing the more mundane fortune-telling powers of PG Tips. It seems so utterly random that people actually read tea leaves in order to predict future events.
Tasseography, as it is sometimes called, is an ancient Chinese practice that spread to Europe with nomadic gypsies in the mid-1800s. And while most people don’t take the art of tea-leaf reading too seriously anymore, it is nonetheless fascinating. So I settled down with the paper and a nice cup of tea. And a packet of decent biscuits for meditative purposes. It is important to drink the tea properly, sipping it slowly and concentrating on a specifi c question.
I decide to focus on a time-old question that has puzzled many Oxford Undergraduates contemplating the mysteries of the Middle East: ‘Which is superior • Ahmed’s or Mehdi’s?’ After due consideration of this or whatever question you fancy, you take the cup in your left hand and swirl it thrice clockwise. This allows the tea leaves to cling to the sides and rim of the cup.
Peering in, I could clearly discern the letter M, which according to my brand spanking new edition of Llewellyn’s Complete Book Of Practical Magick (Ages Six and Up) would symbolise a name. I also noticed a cluster of leaves resembling a shark, symbolizing bankruptcy, and a patch of leaves near the rim which struck me as rather like a hat, apparently representing a fool. I puzzled over possible interpretations of this great revelation and pondered the correct place to lay my hands on a kebab.
It suddenly occurred to me that I didn’t have any money. Some talented people can communicate directly with other-worldly forces without the intermediary of cards, chai or Ching. I spoke to one such selfproclaimed clairvoyant who explained his working practices. “I have to be in a very calm and precise state of mind. It is important for whoever I am talking to that I can apply what I see in my mind’s eye to the precise issues at hand.
I am always careful with sensitive problems as they are often powerful focuses of psychic energy. And I am waiting for the day when someone sits down opposite me and asks me how they can get back to Mars.” Quite. In the end, the use of oracles is a very subjective matter, and certain confi rmed sceptics such as myself may experience surprising results.
There are a couple of fortune tellers and psychics working in Oxford at the moment, and scores of charlatans out to make a quick buck all over the world. It’s interesting terrain to explore, but it could just be a load of long out-foxed traditional hokum which our civilisation no longer needs. Then again, it might just be your cup of tea.
17th Nov 2005