The life and soul of the party
There is no sweeter joy than partying at someone else's expense, especially if you've no idea whose party it is anyway. The total lack of responsibility, the endless nights and the wandering across Oxford in yesterday's clothes having woken up under a cold kebab epitomise to some the decadence of student life at its best.
However sooner or later it's up to you to keep that party ball rolling, swallow any lingering house-pride and host your own house party. These affairs can range from quiet "wine and cheese" evenings with your "just good friends", to a full-blown, cherry-on-top redesigning of Oxford's social scene. Whatever you're aiming for, here is the definitive OxStu guide to what's what.
Creating the right atmosphere is always a good place to start. Organisers of this year's post-Oscars "Governors Ball" recommend an open plan on the hallway, spreading into an auditorium of flames, lava, stars and ocean effects. They've obviously never been inside a four-bedroom semi stuck down the arse-end of Cowley road. What they did have however, were fifteen hundred guests to cater for, including Best Actor Kevin Spacey, Best Actress Hilary Swank, Best Director Sam Mendes as well as Cate Blanchett, Val Kilmer, Mira Sorvino and Tom Hanks' beard. To ensure the whole thing went smoothly there were 240 magnums of champagne and 850 staff. While I appreciate that this is a far cry from crates of cheap lager and drunken housemates, there's no reason why your party can't be just as memorable.
With the summer arriving fast, it's important to open a few windows to diffuse the inevitable smoke clouds and prevent the horrible sticky-wall effect common to certain Oxford venues. Good lighting is important - making your house look like DTM's will win you very few friends and may attract insects. Having no lighting effects at all means fewer 'incidents' will occur, since everyone will be able to see everything (and you want 'incidents'). The key is in capturing the middle ground of a few well chosen lighting effects placed in out-of-the-way yet effective places. Oxford is lucky in having several specialist lighting rental shops which are reasonably priced. I recommend "Lighting and Sound Equipment" (01865 722027).
Once that's sorted out you can think about the music which is possibly the most vital part of the evening. Naturally whatever style you aim for will influence the party greatly. Some tunes recommended to me by Massive Records are the first Jungle Brothers album, anything by De La Soul and Tyran Tanic by Breader. Moving towards more mainstream music, HMV thought anything by Paul van Dyke, Strings of Life and The Auburn to be essential. Of course, there's always someone who sticks on Wham's Greatest Hits (surely a single?) Just try to be very drunk by that stage...
Contrary to what American movies would have us believe, multiple kegs of pale American piss-water and a randy mother are not the make or break of a memorable house party. While no-one suggests that providing everyone's drinks is up to you, creating the illusion of doing so will give you god-like status among the early arrivals. Just make sure you stash away a supply, otherwise it will all be gone by the time the people you genuinely want to impress arrive.
There is really very little point in buying quality booze - empty-handed parasites will be grateful for any old rubbish they can find (i.e. Sainsburys own-brand beer). On the other hand if you wander around the offies you can usually pick up a crate of decent lager for about £12 or so. If you buy it from Sainsburys and don't drink it they'll refund your money on production of a valid receipt. On the topic of free stuff, with 24 hours notice MacDonalds can usually give you generous bin-bags of ice at no charge, and the Grog Shop (at the top of Walton Street) will deliver your orders free. Alternatively you could blag a mate's car and drive to France (from £29 return with P&O) where it's so cheap it doesn't matter that the most talented toad couldn't belch its name.
Food can be fun. Five-foot square boxes of popcorn are a sign of trying too hard. Ask yourself "who's hoovering it all up?" before putting out little bowls of snacks. Themes too are overrated. Edinburgh's Hogmanay 2000 didn't have a poncy theme and over 180,000 people turned up! While broad and potentially sexy themes are good, remember that as with bops, it's really only ever the most out-to-impress first years who bother. Do not be surprised if your elaborately-planned 'Roman Toga Party' has a distinctly twenty-first century feel to it.
Two more points I feel are worth mentioning are ashtrays (you can never have enough - sooner or later the carpet always goes Dalmatian), and sex. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but be prepared to walk in on the Karma Sutra being bashed out on your bed. At this point, it's best to retire to a corner, and sleep, trying to ignore the shagging/vomiting noises assaulting your ears from all directions.
The morning after, peel yourself off the carpet and admire the aftermath of lots of people crammed like cattle into a limited space. Be prepared to discover homages left by porcelain-worshippers and broken glass trodden into the carpet. Things you never realised before will become clear to you. Even if your house party didn't feature two fire engines called to put out a burning gas leak, from now on it's someone else's turn to host.
Aspirins and binbags - forget them at your peril! Piles of toast, vats of squash, coffee, shake'n'vac, loo roll, fairy liquid and a weekend are also good, but so much planning borders on the neurotic and spoils any chance to improvise.
So good luck, your quest for house party excellence lies ahead. I leave you with some wise words from the organisers of the post-Oscars 'Governors Ball': "the aim of any party is for an extravaganza of the senses, which engraves life-long memories on the soul Alternatively you could just get a round in next time you're in the college bar.
4th May 2000