Is Clinton coming back to Oxford?
Following speculation in a certain quality broadsheet regarding Bill Clinton's assertion that he might consider returning to Oxford in a teaching capacity, sources close to the President have now disclosed that such an event is no longer hypothetical possibility but a fact to be reckoned with.
Clinton is said to have expressed an interest in teaching postgraduate students, specifically as part of the Women's Studies courses. Experts agree that he would combine a penetrating awareness of practical experience, pulled from his time as Governor of Arkansas, with a sound theoretical knowledge drawn from his study of law. Indeed, it is hoped that his legal training at Yale will give him the means to satisfy the high standards of tolerance and free thought required of the academic researcher, for, far from treating him solely as a famous and desirable status symbol, the University will certainly expect him to make a meaningful contribution to the learned community through research and exploration.
But Clinton's contribution to the world of learning will surely also mean that he will extend his presence into the undergraduate student body to root out potential talents and steer them with the guiding hand that caresses the fledging fellows of the future. Thus, negotiations are understood to have reached an advanced stage between the White House and a number of colleges south of Carfax vying for the privilege of appointing Clinton as a tutor. A party from the US Embassy was recently observed inspecting the soil of various fellows' gardens to assess their suitability as marijuana plantations, and it is thought that the final choice of the President may hinge on this sensitive issue, for we are assured he wishes to make up for certain omissions during his time in Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar. Rumours that Clinton desires a base within easy walking distance of St Hilda's have been vehemently denied. But in light of the fear that such a denial might be seen as a snub to the St Hilda's JCR, a White House source confirmed that the President would be equally happy to meet female students for individual question-and-answer sessions after faculty lectures.
Curiously, the Law Faculty has not yet expressed an interest in taking advantage of the expected presence in Oxford of one of the most successful lawyers of all time to examine his methods in detail. Other disciplines have however been more forward in their desire to draw Bill Clinton into the fields of their research. Physiologists are known to be especially interested in examining the limits of human endurance in light of the tremendous strain suffered by the President, who often worked late into the night alone in the Oval Office, stretching his capabilities to the limit. Understandably, the interdisciplinary aspect of Clinton's arrival in Oxford will require a new joint activities centre to be constructed in a suitable location. Because they serve no obviously useful purpose to the student population, the more unkempt and shady reaches of the University Parks have been quickly seized upon as a site.
In view of the imposing upright principles of tolerance revealed by Clinton to all who met him during his time in office, a revolutionary multi-cultural design is planned by the architect Norma Foxer, who explained her scheme thus: "echoing what I see as the bendy beauty of Pisa's leaning tower, the new 'neo-spire' will be phallic in nature, the culmination of two cupolas containing a library and film centre as well as other important facilities. The skyline of Oxford will be revolved into revival to show a new movement in the history of this city. Yeah?"
Concerns about the outstanding natural beauty of the Parks area, and the architectural sensitivities of this city and its ancient buildings having been duly dismissed, construction work is expected to begin on the new complex in the next few weeks. It is hoped it will be completed by the time the Clintons arrive to take up residence in their chosen college, when Hilary will dedicate the building to welcome in the new era of Oxford and Clinton, united once again after years, both older, and both surely wiser, as this new appointment can only demonstrate.
18th May 2000