Getting Thrown Out Of...
By Jack Nory. It was pointed out to me last week, by a friend of mine, that my articles thus far have verged on the nasty side of cynical. I have tried all week therefore to refrain from cynicism - I even read FOX from cover to cover and thought what a charming and intelligent magazine it was; so intellectual and erudite, I even imagined Germaine Greer smiling at the thought that the new generation of feminists had used the liberty that she and countless others had thought and fought so hard for, to identify the best place to pull 'bits of hunky Northern rough'. I continued in this vein of general naivety and goodwill to everything and everyone all week - I even walked past the science complex on the Banbury road and marvelled at the neo-Croydonist architecture - right up until the point where someone told me in hushed tones that 'the Bodleian is the place to pull'. Nor was he alone in propounding such silliness - that same article in FOX claimed 'many an eye-meet across those desks' in the PPE reading room 'has led to better things.'
Let me put an end to such nonsense now. You are about as likely to pull in the Bodleian as you are to get laid in the Vatican. Who was it who first came up with this idea that libraries are sexy in a kind of I'd-love-to-integrate-you-up-the-y-axis-baby, kind of way? Whoever it was, it was probably the sort of person who came up with slogans like 'Maths is fun', 'Reading is cool', 'Spelling is orgasmic' and other such slogans that plagued my youth. Maths and spelling have their place of course, but neither's place is anywhere near my nether regions. I really can't imagine someone saying, 'Sorry mate, I can't go to Park End tonight, cos I'm going sharkin' in the PPE reading room tomorrow.' Nor do I remember kids from my 'hood hanging around outside public libraries all dolled up, just waiting for an 'eye-meet'. But maybe that's what you get for living in Croydon. Let's be frank about this. Work is work, sex is sex. Academic work is not sexy. I don't know about you, but nothing puts me in the mood for sex less than studying the symbolic development of religious coinage in the reign of Aethelred II whilst sitting opposite some acne-ridden early-modernist. Just imagine if FOX had come up with that same story the other way around: 'many a sneak peek of revision notes in Park End has led to a first'. But, of course, that wouldn't be 'cool', would it?
Well, if you can't pull in the Bodleian, why not try to get thrown out of it. Getting thrown out of a library is easy: just talk loudly, or leave your phone on the loudest setting and try to compose the Inspector Gadget tune on it, or, in the case of the Bod, do something as crazy as taking a book from the shelf and writing down the incorrect seat number. But all these had all been tried before by amateur expulsionists. I wanted to do something that was so clearly against the rules that even those sharp-eyed University Police would be fooled. It was then that the idea came to me. When sending off for my Bod card, I remembered having to sign an oath in which I promised not to start a fire in the Bodleian. Seemed pretty self-evident at the time. Although the thought did occur to me that if I had to sign something promising to abide by the rules of the library and not start a fire in it, then why not put a clause stating that it is illegal to start a fire in the library inside the rules? Does this mean that starting fires is perfectly legal in other libraries? Anyway, as it was now summer, and I felt in the mood for a Barbecue, I thought it would be a great idea to start a Barbecue inside the main quad of the Bodleian. That way, I was flouting the rules by making noise, breaking my oath by starting a fire, and I was having a good time too.
The idea was passed around College and within a week, 15 of us descended on the Bodleian armed with Barbecue, burgers, beach-wear, and Bob Marley tunes. Unfortunately, those keen-eyed University Police spotted us just as we were walking past the Sheldonian. A not-particularly-amused man asked us the not-particularly-bright question 'What do you intend to use that stuff for?' Now, call me stupid, but if anyone can think of a use for a Barbecue, charcoal, matches, chicken drumsticks, and Burger buns that isn't Barbecuing, then please tell your nearest University Police officer. I tried the old trick of saying, 'We're just going to revise for our exams,' whilst offering him a lambchop, but he didn't buy it.
So, I hope you have all learnt something this week: if you want to revise in the Bod, don't bring a Barbecue with you.
25th May 2000