Political sketch
Orford University was in the dock this week as it emerged that an applicant to Moribund College had failed to get a place. Lara Hippocampus, who applied to study Medicine, was turned down for allegedly "not scoring highly in tests". Despite her 10 grade A* GCSEs, Moribund chose to not to offer Laura a place and instead give it to someone who was not a state school girl from the north. The headmaster of Lara's school, Chris Release, called the college's action a "disgrace, and indicative of an alarming trend." Statistics show that Moribund rejected scores of other teenagers this year, many of them from state schools, and most with top grade GCSEs. Mr Release suggested that the scale of the problem might be larger than previously suspected, and hinted at the existence of hundreds, "maybe thousands" of other such cases of promising applicants being rejected. "it is an indictment of Orford's elitist attitude that fewer than one in three applicants are offered a place."
Moribund College's press unit issued a denial of these claims. Dr Pugin Rohypnol, one of those who interviewed Laura, commented "yes I remember her. Nice girl she seemed. Rather dull though, and her test paper wasn't up to much. The others were better, I'm afraid. She'll probably be better off elsewhere. I say, you're not from the press are you? I wonder if I should be telling you this."
Orford's vice-chancellor, Dr Jonathan Eigretat, meanwhile tried desperately to make excuses for a system that rejects hundreds of state school applicants every year. He trotted out a load of clichés about "academic excellence", "strenuous efforts to attract the best students", and "private schools are selective so will have a higher Proportion of able students than comprehensives", but was forced to admit that his institution was "set against positive discrimination of any kind".
The Chancellor Gordon Green became embroiled in the row when he used a speech this week to attack what he called "an absolute scandal". He claimed that "Orford's interviews are determined by the old school tie network rather than any sense of social justice". The Prime Minister, Tony Blur, offered the chancellor his support. "This was a poor decision, taken without adequate information and along narrow class lines. But I stand by Gordon's speech anyway. We need the headlines. Alastair tells me it will go down well in the heartlands." Education secretary David Blonkett also backed Mr Green's incursion into his territory saying "It is shocking that state-school pupils are at such a disadvantage when applying to top universities. Gordon is right to blame Orford rather than the government's inability to provide a provide a Decent standard of education for millions of intelligentteenagers."
With such doubts growing over the admission mechanisms of Britain's universities, the Prime Minister moved quickly to ask the parliamentary select committee on Education to support the government's claims. Angela Moisturiser, a Labour member of the committee, read from her pager. "The present situation is unacceptable. We need a system of tests to find the best applicants. But not like the Orford ones. Fair ones. We are looking closely at the American model, whereby a simple examination quickly determines the applicant with the most potential. They call it a 'bank statement'." Ms Moisturiser said that the priority must be "helping those teenagers who do not have the head-start of a teacher who can get them acres of media coverage." She suggested that the government was prepared to withhold money from universities who did not admit enough state school pupils. "We must make equality happen and we will investigate thoroughly all possible options to create a level playing field. Other than abolishing tuition fees, obviously." The Tories immediately attacked the government. "They are just resorting to populist sloganising which plays on knee-jerk prejudice and only makes the situation worse" said education spokesman Andrew House-Colours. "That is our job. Gordon Green should get on with running the country".
Lara Hippocampus herself remained upbeat about her experience. "I'm glad not to be going to a snobby university like Orford. Fortunately Harvard have offered me a place. It's not actually to do medicine, but at least I won't have to go to a common English university like Newcastle. I've been told that there is a very egalitarian atmosphere at Harvard; apparently there are virtually no students there from America's public schools."
Mr Release, her headteacher, said that "it is shameful that good connections can still get you into a top university. But I felt I ought to use my contacts at Harvard. Their department is very modern, unlike Orford's, which is trapped in the nineteenth Century when it comes to PR."Orford students however, dismissed the notion that theirs was a snobbish institution. "It's true that Oxford won't suit everybody" said Moribund first year Burjit Cummerbund. "Less intelligent people for instance. But there's no public school atmosphere. I'm from a state school and at first I thought I wouldn't fit in, but now I enjoy dressing in black tie and vomiting on homeless people as much as anyone else."However, Ed Desk, who is currently studying at a comprehensive in Tyne & Wear, said "this whole incident has really put me off applying to Oxford. I didn't realise that the rest of the country hated it so much".
25th May 2000