dis-course
I held a competition for Spamku - where were you all? You failed me, and I felt lonely, unloved and unread. Until, that is, two sublime entries were submitted by Alexa Seligman, and everything was all right again. So, as I promised, here they are:
SPAM:
It is hard to say
Much more with one syllable -
The taste says much less.
Post-war gluttony:
Spam spam spam spam spam
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
Spam spam spam spam, damn.
Alexa, the prize is a home-cooked feast of Smash, mushy peas and Spam fritters.
Also, apologies to the poor punter who wrote to say that they had managed to cock up apple puree. Words fail me. However, it's very gratifying to get feedback, even grumpy feedback - the idea of my column going interactive fills me with childish glee.
Talking of interactive, I discovered a while back that not only do people read my recipes and then fuck up, but I also have an effect on the weather. Earlier this term, the sun shone and so I rhapsodised at you all about salad. As a direct result, the sun went away. It's quite tempting to try and pull that one off again, because I'm supposed to be revising for Mods at the moment and the weather is not making things easier, but that would be an unkind thing to do to all you (purulent, lice-ridden, stinking, degenerate, lucky) bastards who don't have anything to do. So, since I have such powers (honest), I'm going to attempt reverse psychology, and give you a recipe for curry. This is more of a set of suggestions for spices than a recipe proper, because I can never remember exactly what goes in my curries. So I'll assume at least an apple-puree level of competence from yous guys and just give you a few lists. Essential things are:
Garlic - use lots, say about five cloves
Ginger - freshly grated root if you can
Cardamom - just chuck the pods in whole, they sort of infuse
Cumin - either ground or in seeds. This contributes crucially to the heat of a curry, as well as its nuttiness and distinctive curryishness. Do not omit.
Chili - this is a matter of taste. As regards the small, dry, red-hot chilis of Satan, two is about right for a medium curry for 2-3. Any more and you're a masochist.
Turmeric - you'll need lots of this, and it will stain everything. But you can't do without it.
Black pepper, freshly crushed.
Stock - essential for a full flavour.
Optional extras include
Paprika
Tomato paste
Creamed coconut - this has a stunning effect on a curry, making it simultaneously thick, creamy, nutty and mild
If you haven't got any, try a spoonful or two of peanut butter, especially the crunchy sort, for nuttiness and thickness; although it hasn't got the velvety effect of creamed coconut, it's still damn nice.
Lemon grass, for that Thai effect
Sultanas - a nice surprise in a curry, although it helps if you balance the sweetness with a capful of vinegar or a squeeze of lemon juice.
Fresh coriander is also a fine thing, giving a curry its distinctively green flavour. I don't know how something can taste green, but coriander does, I tell you.
Anyway, that's about it. The basic drill is as follows: cook onions and garlic in lots of oil for a minute or two by themselves, because it flavours the oil, which then coats and flavours everything else. Then add the spices, say two teaspoons of turmeric, a knuckle of grated ginger root, and _ to one teaspoon of everything else. Cook these for a bit, then add creamed coconut if using. Then, and only then, add your meat and vegetables, plus stock and water, and bubble until done. By the way, if you're using chicken pieces, brown them on all sides in the spice mixture before you add anything else, and cut the vegetables into smallish pieces. Otherwise the chicken will go dry before everything else is done. Oh, and if you're adding mushrooms, chuck them in (quartered) five minutes before it's done, or they overcook and look like slugs.
Red split lentils are good for a veggie curry (dall); they don't need soaking, they add texture to the dish and they don't take that long to cook - about 15-20 minutes. Be sure to add enough water, they soak up loads. As for veg, I'll leave that up to you; the beauty of a curry is that everything in it will taste, more or less, of curry, and so it's a good way to use up random veg. Chicken, peppers, lemongrass, coriander and creamed coconut with the basic spice mix is a favourite of mine, or a thick dall with carrots, parsnips, potatoes and cauliflower for when it's cold. These directions are deliberately vague, because you can only really work these thing out by experimenting. And you must experiment - you must make curry, because it'll keep the rain away, and then you can lie in the sun. Bastards.
8th Jun 2000