The Rules
So, Ruby returns with her final set of epistles for you lovely young things. Having drowned in a sea of chocolate eggs, we find ourselves at the start of the 'summer' term, traditionally eight weeks of Pimm's-fuelled frolics interspersed with the odd onerous essay or an unfortunate set of mods/finals. Following hot on the heals of last term's pitiful but unsurprising report on how little action you guys are getting, I propose to bring you my own, personal, fool-proof guide to getting laid. My disappointment on browsing through 'The Rules' dating manual cannot be emphasised enough. The point of these dull, Stepford-wife instructions? To secure a man for life, sacrificing one's own needs for said man's comfort. Hmmm. So, guys, wanna get trapped or wanna get shagged? And equally, women, 'Let him take the lead in the bedroom... don't be demanding'? I thought not. Pleasure first, at all times. These Rules may not lead to hearts and flowers, but they will get you copulating like animals. Have you got the stamina?
Be Prepared - It's the boy scout watch word! These tips should help you through those essential early stages. Don't leave home until you've followed the Rules....
Rule 1: Do Not Expect Coupledom.
You are going out to get laid. Any expectations of rosy relationships must be left at the door. If you harbour any secret desires of cosy t?te-ˆ-t?te dinners or long romantic walks, these instructions are not for you. You will be versed in the ways of avoiding such monogamous possibilities. Nevertheless, there will be some Rules especially for you later this term.
Rule 2: Do Treat Everyone As A Potential Shag.
Whether it's your new tutorial partner, last years college child/parent, or any friendly individual you meet down the bar, you can sleep with them. Yes, you can. Do not limit your options, especially when we are already restrained by the abnormal number of sexual abstainers in our midst. Exploit your resources, and endeavour to expand them.
Rule 3: Do Invent A Pulling Ritual.
Wear your lucky pants, play your favourite song, apply lashings of make-up, perfume or hair gel if you must, and definitely down a few shots. Getting laid is a state of mind, psyche yourself up, and make sure it's fun. Get your mates round and dance like idiots, spare the rest of us having to watch! You know you are getting a shag tonight, and it feels good!
Rule 4: Do Make Yourself Clean And Beautiful.
If you smell, no-one will want to talk to you, never mind shag you. They might even run screaming. Would you run your tongue over your naked body? If the answer is no, neither would anybody else. And obviously, wear your sexiest clothes.
Rule 5: Do Make Your Room Shag-Friendly.
Remove anything which would distract, irritate, distress, or send running your object of desire. Whether it's your collection of Star Trek memorabilia or that itchy wool blanket, get rid of it. Under the bed or in the wardrobe will normally do, but if in doubt, place objects of dubious credibility in the care of a friend. Tidy up and remove anything gross, e.g. mouldy washing up. No-one who sees it will feel sexually attracted to it's owner. Of course, in an ideal situation, you will be returning home with your object of desire, and your dark secrets will be safe, but more about that later...
26th Apr 2001