The Rules
Having entered your chosen den of iniquity, it is merely a matter of time before you secure your target. Choose wisely, 'cos it's a jungle out there, and you don't want to be the one going home with the gorilla. These suggestions will guide you through the early evening, making those first moves flow that little bit smoother, laying the groundwork for a good shag. Can you afford to ignore The Rules...?
Rule 6: Do Drink Alcohol.
Yes, I know it seems obvious, but pulling on an empty liver is clearly doomed to failure. Alcohol will boost your confidence, easing conversation and inhibitions. Being relaxed is crucial to being attractive, as nerves are nearly as off-putting as desperation. On the other hand, incoherence and vomit will do you no favours, so don't get totally pissed up if you want to get laid. Do drink enough to prevent your realxed state evaporating mid-sentence, leaving you floundering and blushing, but don't giggle insanely or spew in their lap. Simple, yeah?
Rule 7: Do Not Go Out Alone.
Again, this may seem overly basic, but we all know what we think of the weirdo in the corner, hugging his/her drink and looking furtively around. Definitely a psycho. Not to mention the loony dancing alone, trying to surrepticiously join your group. Definitely a loser. Do not be either of these people. Go out with your mates, even if they embarrass you by their loud clothes/laughter. You will still seem less strange than the freaky loner. A person with friends is by default not all bad, and maybe even quite cool. Certainly pullable. Make sure it's you.
Rule 8: Do Not Dance Unless You're Good At It.
There is a time and a place for dancing, should you lack the necessary co-ordination to appear sexy while doing your best Britney impression. Like, any time you are not trying to get laid. Bad dancing is incredibly comical to watch, but can transform you from potential shag to that funny dancing girl/bloke. So, should you desire to perform a few horizontal numbers that evening, avoid it at all costs. Bad at dancing means malcoordination, which indicates a bad shag. You don't wanna go there.
Rule 9: Do Check Up On Your Target.
Having singled out a victim or two, it seems sensible to quiz your mates about said object of desire. Check out sexual orientation, reputation in bed and in general, significant likes/dislikes which may come up in (brief) conversation, and involvement with anyone else you know. The university ain't that big. If at all possible, get the lowdown and avoid potential stalkers, mate's exes, rabid fascists, or bad lays.
Rule 10: Do Approach Your Target First.
Good things may come to those who wait, but they're all pretty boring good things. Jump into the deep end and approach your object of desire. Be friendly, not sleazy, and be honest about what you want. They may be the boring, waiting variety. If you don't strike up a conversation with your target, don't be surprised if you go home alone.
Rule 11: Do Try Again.
If at first you don't succeed, it is not a tragedy. There are plenty more fish, even in this algae-ridden pond, so have another drink, chat to your mates, and focus on a new target. You will (eventually) meet a like-minded individual who has a certain itch in need of scratching. Count on it, even Oxford students are nothing but mammals....
3rd May 2001