Jack in the Ox
Alice's Adventures In Blunderland
"How dreadfully boring!" thought Alice to herself, as she read through the list of speakers who'd confirmed for that term. "With all these intellectual speakers, I'm never going to amount to ANYTHING. Not a self-seeking publicist, nor even a corporate whore. How on earth am I ever going to be Prime Minister if I can't find some way of getting my face in the newspapers?" And she sighed as her eyes stopped upon the name of some mediocre writer. "What use is a speaker," pondered Alice "without publicity or controversy?" She pondered this fact (as well as she could for the weather was hot and she was confused) when suddenly a White Racist with ultra right-wing opinions appeared in front of her.
There was nothing so VERY remarkable about that, for White Racists were always wandering around the building and sitting in the bar; nor did Alice think very much of it when the White Racist asked to speak in a debate, for such things happened all the time. But only when the White Racist OFFERED HER THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A NAME FOR HERSELF, did the thought start to develop in her mind to invite him to come and speak. But being very confused, she could not for the life of her work out how she would invite him without appearing to be racist herself. "After all," said Alice to no one in particular, "I'm not a racist. But people might say I am. Oh dear." For poor old Alice had got herself into a dreadful muddle.
Just then there knocked upon her door a smiling Fresher Pratt. And in after him came a whole committee of smiling Fresher Pratts who approached her desk and just stood there smiling inanely. "Why don't you sit down?" asked Alice. "Because we're the standing committee," they answered in unison, for indeed they had no opinions of their own. "How silly!" laughed Alice as she noticed that though they were indeed the standing committee, they wouldn't stand up to her. And so she asked them about all the wonderful ideas she's had that day and they all smiled their approval and told her how brilliant she was. Alice decided that if she couldn't invite the White Racist to speak about anything else, then she would hastily invent some dubious debate in which he could speak despite having no qualifications to speak in it whatsoever.
"Spuriouser and spuriouser" thought Alice as she mulled over the debating motions which would allow her to invite the White Racist. And at last, after deciding on a debating motion she went off to walk around the building. But she had not walked for long before she could hear the sound of a party. Following the sound, she came upon a room near the top of the building, unreachable to ordinary members, where there was taking place an enormous party with huge amounts of expensive champagne. "How queer this is!" she exclaimed as she observed the partygoers in their silly bow-ties. But just then the White Racist, who was the toast of the party, sneered at her, for he did not like the word "queer". "What's the occasion?" asked Alice to one of the partygoers. "Occasion? Why it's a normal day! And we always waste members' money on champagne on normal days, don't you know!" And of course she did know, for she too had done the very same the day before.
But at that moment she noticed in front of her a bottle with "Drink Moet" written on it. And Alice decided to drink it all, for her stupid society members had paid for it. But, as she drunk the bottle, she noticed she was becoming more and more talked about. Soon she was so talked about that her head had swollen to the size of the room. But, although her head was enormous, her brain and her critical faculties had shrunk to the size of a pea. "Now you really ARE a President" shouted the partygoers. And they revelled with the White Racist into the night.
Forthcoming appearances at the Reform Club 1. Pinnocchio 2. Bill Clinton 3. O.J. Simpson 4. Jeffrey Archer 5. My mate Dave
Things that won't back down 1. America 2. Tom Petty 3. The Spitting Cobra 4. Amy Harland. Oh, actually...
Less Expensive places to live than New College accommodation 1. Sloane Square 2. Buckingham Palace 3. Mars. Probably.
Shops that Oxford really, really needs 1. A Starbucks. 2. Another Starbucks.
Good reason to get head-butted at Juice 1. "Juice Girls"
17th May 2001