The Rules
Following last week's shag essentials, I bring you the Rules for a perfect escape. You've had your fun, so make sure you don't make any post-coital faux pas to ruin your otherwise skilful manoeuvres. A graceful exit is essential for a truly successful performance. Don't mess it up now...
Rule 22: Do Not Stay The Night.
If all has gone according to plan, you should be on their turf, so excuse yourself with reference to an early tute or pressing essay, as no-one can argue with that. Don't dash off two seconds after you stop shagging, but do remember that you've got what you came for. Half an hour is long enough. Of course, if you've had to play host, things may be a bit more difficult, but the same reasoning applies. Emphasise the necessary earliness of your urgent activities and pray they take a hint. If the worst comes to the worst, set off the fire alarm and lose them in the crowd. Remember, this is NOT a relationship.
Rule 23: Do Remember Essential Information.
It's always a good idea know who you've shagged, as it can avert potential embarrassing situations. Imagine you run into them weeks later and you don't know their name, or you get set up on a blind date, and there they are. Worse, you get together with their brother/sister/best mate. These uncomfortable scenarios can replicate in your head indefinitely, but to avoid them happening in the real world, just make sure you get your shag's full name and college. If you want another shag, you can always email.
Rule 24: Do Not Give Out Your Number.
As previously mentioned, exchange basic information, but avoid giving out your mobile number, room extension or any other form of vocal communication. Aside from the obvious stalker potential, why encourage someone to call if you don't want them to, or make them feel obliged to call if they're not interested. If you both want to shag again, you will. Anyway, by now you should be planning your next partner.
Rule 25: Do Take All Your Belongings With You.
Whether you're pissed or just forgetful, there's nothing worse than showing up on you shag's doorstep only hours after your polite exit because you've forgotten your keys/wallet/mobile phone. Not only will you both feel silly and slightly annoyed, but it's also an unnecessary hassle when you've got new potential shags to think about. Besides, being locked out in the early hours of the morning with your keys the other side of Oxford is not the way to end an otherwise enjoyable evening, neither is walking home minus coat/umbrella/underwear.
Rule 26: Do Not Make A Public Announcement.
Even if it was your first time, or particularly amazing, there really is no need to tell everyone you've ever met all the details of your night of passion. Obviously, it's always fun to tell your mates, and include name/college details, but you don't really want to be the topic of JCR gossip. Besides, everyone knows that the best shags never give out too many details, and it's hardly going to do your reputation any favours if you're known to advertise everything. And of course, it's the next one, not the last one that matters.
So, now you've learnt how to get laid, we should improve in the national statistics and people round the university should stop being so moody. Naturally, it is essential to practise these rules regularly and with a wide variety of partners, and for the next couple of weeks, I will be advising you all on sex and relationships. Happy shagging!
24th May 2001